I spent a long time looking forward to this summer: to my trip to with my friends to visit LA for the first time, to beach days, summer nights, and everything in between. It was supposed to be fun. It was supposed to be relaxing.
But here’s a quick lesson in life: Your plans change, your path will run a completely different course, and sometimes everything will be upside down. Most of all, life doesn’t care what you think is supposed to happen.
This summer, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. She’s now had surgery and will be undergoing chemo. Thankfully, her cancer was at an early stage. Thankfully, she is the strongest person I know. She is the one who taught me that a positive outlook can change everything. She is brave and I know she will be fine.
However, I can’t deny the situation’s sheer crappiness. I’m terrified for her and I don’t want her to have to go through all of this. I know it is temporary. It is just something she has to do now so she can move on and be healthy for the rest of her life. I just wish we could speed up the next few months so she can be better already. Maybe then I’ll be able to breathe properly again, to exhale and know for sure that everything is going to be OK.
This summer, my boyfriend of over seven years broke up with me. He did it over the phone. No respect whatsoever. Not even two weeks later, I heard he’s “in love” with another girl. I say “girl” because she’s not yet 18 and he’s pushing 30. I think he’s having an early midlife crisis. I guess I dodged a bullet there. I do wonder when he stopped loving me and how long he wasted my time. I guess I’ll never know, and maybe that’s OK. I have since tried to get rid of everything that reminds me of him. Have you ever tried to remove seven years of your life? It’s not easy and I’m starting to think it isn’t possible. I, unlike him, can’t even think of dating yet let alone being in love again without running for the hills. I guess that will come with time. We hear that time heals and time only moves forward, but for me, the word “time” has lost all meaning. I’m as impatient as ever and want to be over it. However, I’m not feeling totally under it anymore and I think that’s progress.
This summer, I found inner strength—more than I ever thought I had before. When people leave you (especially when you are already struggling), you really have to dig deep to get through it. To be able to stand up and enjoy your life again takes strength. To get knocked down and peel yourself off the floor takes strength. I remind myself all the time that my mom is on her way to getting better. My heart is on its way to being mended. My family and my friends are here for me, and they love me. I love me, too, and I am working on getting to know me (just me) again.
I will not miss you, summer. That chapter of my life is closed. A new season is coming.