Coffee Shop Blues – Your Typical Wednesday Morning

This morning, I nearly cried my eyes out in a coffee shop. My order wrong, I was late for work and it was the end of the world.  It is not the first time in the past month that I have let my emotions get the best of me. My reaction was not about the coffee that much was crystal clear. Truth is I’m frustrated because I’m in love with you, still, maybe always, and you threw me away. You threw 7 years of your life away and replaced me with a teenager.

I never thought I would have my heart broken. Naïve, I know, but I didn’t believe it was in the cards for me. The decline began about 3 months prior to the end. At the time, I didn’t know that there was someone else; I thought we were going through a rough patch. You were working so hard and so often, that I let a lot of things slide that I now know I shouldn’t have.

In the end, you were completely void of emotion, watching me fight like hell to save our relationship. When you ended it, over the phone like a child, I have never been so hurt in my life.  If felt like you reached into my chest and tore out my heart, ran it over and said, “Here Katie, good as new.”  In retrospect, I would have knocked your teeth in if you ended in person so it was probably best that there was a phone line between us. 

You were a liar, right until the end and even a little bit after. You truly believe that you did nothing wrong. Just because you didn’t touch her until you ended it that means you’re a saint.  Guess what? Emotional involvement is worse than physical. It’s a shame that you didn’t come to me for advice on this. I guess it doesn’t make sense to go to your girlfriend about a crush, but I could have told you that crushes are normal, human, especially in long term relationships. I have had a few over the years, but since I’m not a cheater, I cut off contact with them once I realized what was happening.  Too bad you couldn’t return the courtesy.

In my heart of hearts, I know that you are desperate. Trying to find someone who makes you feel better about yourself and who boosts your ego.  You stopped loving yourself a while ago. The internal struggle is still there being masked by a seventeen-year-old who worships you and thinks you’re perfect. Good luck with that. It’s fleeting, that much I know.

Every single day I try to be happier than the last. I didn’t know it was possible to feel an entire spectrum of emotions all at once. I can go from happy to sad to enraged in 10 seconds flat nowadays.  When I do get over the other side of this mountain of grief I know I will be a better stronger person.  Maybe I should thank you for your betrayal. Maybe this will make me the person I was always meant to be and give me a chance to explore what I really want in life. Maybe I was settling and maybe our relationship was too comfortable. Maybe we fought too much.  Maybe I pushed too hard.  Maybe you just stopped believing we could work and gave up. I will never know and that’s the hardest part.

One thing I do know for sure is that I miss you. I miss the man who would have walked through fire for me. I miss the man who made me laugh and had the best heart and kindest smile I had ever seen. I miss the man who I thought was the love of my life. I miss a person who doesn’t exist anymore.

Even if you wake up one day from this teenage dream you’re having, pun intended, I wouldn’t ever want you in my life again. No matter how much I miss you, no matter how much I love you, what’s done is done. We are broken. We are broken for a reason.  I will find my way on my own from here on out and I’ll be just fine. Better even, eventually. I feel a shift inside of me; I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Life goes on. We move on. Everything is a choice and I am choosing to let you go and be happy.