It hurts. Lately, every day I wake with this hurt weighing on my heart. Every day it seems to get heavier and heavier. I’m waiting for it to completely break me apart. Heavy, everything just feels so heavy.
I have moments where I forget it. I forget all the reasons I’m disappointed and broken. I can thank the good company of my family, friends and their encouraging words. But they don’t last forever. These moments end, and that feeling of doubt shows back up.
I thought that maybe I’d be able to focus on all the good in my life. But somedays that still doesn’t seem like enough. There’s still something missing. I’m still convinced I need something more. But what?
This feeling of hurt consumes me. It eats away at my confidence; my optimism slowly disappears. It’s this cycle of happy and sad, happy and sad, happy and sad.
It’s the same thing, different day. I feel like a zombie in my own life. I wake to go through the motions, over and over again. I can’t fall asleep at night. I’m too busy worrying about everything. Everything that happened 3 years ago, a month ago, and things that haven’t even occurred yet.
The days and dates keep changing, but my life, it doesn’t feel like it is. I confess, I’ve gotten better at painting on this smile. I’ve gotten better at convincing the world and myself that I’m okay. That I’m just fine.
Because what happens when the next person asks me “are you okay” and for once, I reply with “no”. “No, I’m not okay”.
What do they say back to me then? Where does that conversation then go? They just stepped into a pile of awkward. Because everyone always says, “I’m okay”, even when they’re not.
I’m lost and have no clue where to go next. I’m afraid. I need someone to offer me a hug or a hand. I need someone to show up at my doorstep with arms open wide. I need a safe place to land.
I have no clue what I’m doing; I don’t know where my goals and dreams lie anymore.
People always ask, “where do you see yourself in 5 years”.
I have no answer for that. I have no answer to that question. I can’t think that far ahead without a wave of anxiety. I don’t know what it will look like. That scares me. That scares me so much. 5 years is soon, but I don’t know what a year from now will look like, how can I tell you 5?
I’ve always felt the need to be strong for everyone else. But right now, I need someone to be strong for me. I need someone to just simply say, “it’s going to be okay”. I need someone to just sit in the silence with me. I need someone to wipe my tears. To pick me up off the floor. To comfort me.
I’m sorry that I’m not okay.
I’m sorry that somedays it hurts to think.
I’m sorry that sometimes I don’t want to be bothered, I don’t want to talk.
But then some days I need someone there. I need someone to simply say hey, to check up on me.
Sometimes I need to be reminded and reassured that being strong isn’t the only thing I’m good at.
That I am allowed to be weak. That I too can cry out for help and that there will be someone there to provide it. Even in the simplest form.
My answer is always, “I’m okay” when people ask. Because it’s easier that way. To say you’re okay when you’re not. You don’t have to explain. They don’t have to feel burdened with your hurt. They don’t have to ask any more questions and you don’t have to give them any more answers.
But maybe we should start being honest with ourselves. Maybe it’s okay to not always be okay. Maybe sometimes we need to scream and shout and tell the world, “I’m not okay today”.
It’s okay to not be strong all the time. It’s okay to need someone.
It’s okay to not always be okay.