I don’t know that I’ll ever be cut out for love. I don’t know that love was made for me. The sizes are all different. I haven’t been able to find a good fit. The colors always fade. The material unravels.
But just when I think I have, it doesn’t seem to last long. It shrinks up. It fits me no more. I must throw it out or pass it on to the next person. Maybe they’ll get lucky. Maybe for them it fits. I hope for you it fits.
I’m scared that people never really stay. I’m terrified that I’m going to lose you, while I’m still trying to figure out if I ever had you.
What do you think? Have people always stayed for you? Or were you the one that always left? I don’t want to have to explain another false hope. I don’t want to have to murmur your name under my breath. I don’t want to hold on just to let go.
My greatest fear is that they always leave. Why do they always leave? Right at the part when it gets good. Like your favorite scene in a movie. You’re rooting for them. You’re cheering for them.
Right when you’ve decided you can do this. Right when you say out loud, “I like you, I like this”. Right when you’ve spoken their name to your friends, you’ve made them a topic of conversation. Little do they know, the next time you mention their name, they won’t be around for it. Why can’t you be around? I need you around. I want you around. Please, stay.
When I wake, it’ll be like it never happened. It’ll be just another day trying to forget your existence.
I know it’s all in my head. I’ve made myself believe that I am hard to love. That I can’t do it. That I’ll never be worth the stay. I’ve let the people of my past wound me. The ones who never stayed. The ones who came and took little pieces of me. Pieces that I’ll never see again. Pieces that I’ll never fix. Pieces that said, “you are better than this, you are worth more than this”.
I can’t get out of my head. I can’t find the silver lining when it comes to my emotions, when it comes to the concept of love. What is love? Why do we crave a love that is more than just average?
My willingness to be and to love is intimidating. It’s full speed down the interstate. No seat belt. Nothing to save you from the crash. Nothing to take away the impact.
It’s as free as lying in the grass with your feet up in the air, watching the clouds float by. It’s reckless and chaotic. It’s a free fall. It’s fast and short lived. It’s a blink of the eye and you’ve missed it. It’s popcorn with extra butter. Ice cream dipped in chocolate. It’s barefoot in the sand. It’s all things good and happy. It’s this dream in my head. This constant reel that never goes away. This made up story line that doesn’t happen. It’s the words that were never said, scenarios that we never played out.
Try to get out of your head. Try to be an optimist when it comes to love. Try to enjoy it while it’s around. Let it stay while it can. Make the most of its company. Stop waiting for a text. Love isn’t a text. Stop trying to make it fit. Don’t force it on. Breathe. Just breathe. You’re not going anywhere too far away that love won’t meet you there. Give it time.
I’m always chasing that four-letter word. Aren’t we all? Hoping for the best. Giving it another shot. Convincing ourselves it’s better this way, with no expectations. No-one gets hurt. We won’t get hurt. Preparing ourselves with a speech, that it’s okay if they leave. It’s okay if this doesn’t work out. It’s okay if we have to clean up some more pieces. It’s okay if we decide to leave them scattered on the floor. It’s okay that we tried and we didn’t get it right.
All I can say is: love, please let me down easy.