Your first love and first heartbreak, you never forget that. You never forget him, not fully. You’ll never forget his face or the sound of his voice. You won’t forget the tears or the butterflies he so kindly gave you.
You’ll never stop wondering about him on occasion. Simple things and thoughts, like how he’s doing, is he happy, what does his life look like now?
You’ll never get rid of that bulging box under your bed. Filled with memoirs of a love you once knew. That box holds a piece of you. A piece you’re hesitant to let go of. He will always be a ghost of your past.
He doesn’t mean anything to you now. He isn’t even a part of your story, hasn’t been for years, but you’ll never forget him.
You’ll never forget him because he was where your story all begun. He set the stage for all the guys you meet after him. He was your first taste of love. He was the first chapter in your book. He was bitter and sweet. He was your first set of standards and expectations, even when they fell short.
You’ll always go back to that place during different seasons and moments of your life. He’ll cross your mind without noticing that he did. You’ll think of him. You’ll wonder why you never got the chance to say all the things you wanted.
Why you never were given the closure your teenage self-needed all those years ago. You’ll wish you knew why you had to forgive him when he never asked for your forgiveness. Why you were never worth a goodbye. Why you were never worth a I’m sorry. Why he felt the need to always choose someone else over you. Why he always left, to come back again. Why he robbed you with a pretend love; why trust will never be as easy as it looks.
You’ll want to blame him for all these things. But don’t. Don’t blame him for the love he couldn’t give you. Don’t blame him for the person he couldn’t be to you. Don’t blame him for leaving or for coming. Don’t blame him for the guard you’ve hopelessly created. Don’t blame him for being just as young and naïve as you. That’s what you were, that’s what he was, that’s what your love was. Naïve.
Instead, thank him.
Thank him for trying. Thank him for being around when he could. For allowing you to open your heart, to let someone in. Thank him for giving you something to go off. For helping you know better for the next time.
Maybe your story didn’t end the way you had hoped. You got hurt and had your heart broken. But it made you stronger. It made you wiser. You understood what it means to settle and thanks to him, you refuse to do it.
Don’t let your first love make your heart go cold and bitter. There will be more to come after him. It won’t always be pretty either. He won’t be the last boy to let you down, trust me.
The next time he crosses your mind or you run across his name, smile. Smile because your heart no longer beats for him. Your soul no longer yearns for him. You no longer need him and never will again.