I Can’t Be Your Friend Because I’ll Always Want More

Adrian Sava

Two years it’s been since I heard your voice. Since I’ve heard from you at all. Two years since I’ve let myself think of you longer than a fleeting memory.

In our 4 year relationship, we broke up and got back together more times than I can count, always on your terms.

Were we dating? Were we friends? Were we somewhere in between? I never knew where we stood, I just knew that I needed you in my life. I loved you more than words could describe.

I could take the bad with the good. If I waited long enough and dealt with the ups and downs you would finalize realize I was the one for you. I would stand by your side through it all. I gave you every opportunity for you to commit. I couldn’t stand the limbo anymore. I needed something you could not give me so I ended it. For the first time, I was the one who ended us. And saying goodbye to the most important person in my life was soul crushing. I wanted you to tell me we could make it work, that you would do better, try harder. But you just agreed with everything I said.

The thought of being friends was something I could never handle. It’s too easy to fall back into our old ways. I needed time and space to get over us. Picking up and moving 1000 miles away was the only way I could finally end whatever semblance of a relationship we were still trying to have. I would never tell you that you’re the reason I moved. I couldn’t bear to see you happy with someone else. I didn’t want to see just how imperfect we really were for each other. 2 amazing years in a new city, with new friends, where no one knew about us. I felt like a weight had been lifted. I wasn’t stuck in an unhealthy relationship waiting for something that was never going to happen.

I thought about you when I was alone. When I wanted to tell you a funny story or something embarrassing that happened to me. I wanted to hear your laugh. I wanted to see your smile. I thought about you when I was lonely and had a hard day at work. I wanted you to pull me into your arms and make me forget about everything. I wanted nothing more than to pick up the phone and tell you this was all a mistake and come home. But I never did. And neither did you.

I knew I needed this break (the first real one we ever had). To grow up. Get my life together. Focus on myself. Find out who I was without you. But I thought you would at least try to reach out. It was like you were just waiting for me to end it the whole time. I was releasing you of my responsibility.

We were holding each other back this whole time. I wanted you to be something you weren’t.

You knew I wasn’t everything you needed but you hated hurting me, so you continued to drag out our failing relationship. Time passed, things changed, I changed and it was time to move back. When I moved back I didn’t factor you into the equation. After being home for a while I was relieved I hadn’t heard from you. I hadn’t seen you around. I hadn’t even heard about you.

Until I get into bed and look at my phone. 1 word, 3 letters. Hey…
My heart started racing, my hands shaking, my world spinning. It’s been so long but in that instant, every feeling came rushing back. Every ounce of strength, everything I convinced myself into believing over the past two years flew to the wayside. I still love him with my whole soul and this is the most wonderful and devastating realization. I hope my heart can withstand this again is the only thought I have as I start to reply. TC mark

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