Ah, the joys of being an educator: low pay, impossible standard demands – the usual complaints from teachers are very valid, trust me. But we also get to stay hip to the newest trends, really make a difference in the future, and, most importantly, we get to laugh at all of the ridiculous things kids say and do.
*Names have been changed because, y’know, #FERPA.
1. Elementary student:
“Miss, you are so pretty! You remind me so much of my sister. She’s in fourth grade!”
Great. I’ve found the fountain of youth, and it makes you look like a nine-year-old.
2. Middle school student:
“How was your weekend, Jacob*?”
“It was good, Miss. You know my snake I told you about? Well, we ran out of mice for him, so he was pretty hungry.”
“Huh. Well I’m sure he’ll be okay until you can get to the pet store.”
“Oh, he’s fine now. I fed him my gerbil.”
3. Young student, meeting a new teacher:
New teacher: “’Sup, Jonathan*?”
Student, confused about ‘sup meaning, looks puzzled.
Current teacher: “Jonathan, that’s just slang.”
Student: “Oh! Nice to meet you, Mr. Slang.”
4. Freshman boy, on his first day of high school:
“I guess my first day wasn’t that bad. I mean, we had football practice pretty early, but it was alright. Then we were in the locker room, you know, and some of the senior guys peed on me in the shower. But, like, that’s what happens when you’re new, right? I can’t wait until I get to pee on some freshmen next year.”
5. High school couple, making out in the hallway:
“Guys, please stop slobbering on each other in the hall. It’s only Monday, why are you doing this?”
“Well, Miss, it’s Monday.”
6. Freshman sharing his favorite things in life:
“Jared*, what’s your favorite inanimate object?”
“Um, okay. And your favorite living person or thing?”
“That’s nice. What’s your favorite activity?”
“Eating oranges with my girlfriend.”
7. During a lockdown drill, huddled in the dark, in a corner, with thirty 14-year-olds:
“What is that smell?”
“It’s just Carter*’s pudding pack.”
“Carter! Put that away! We’re in a lockdown drill and you’re supposed to act like there’s an active intruder.”
“I am! You think I’m going to die and let my pudding be uneaten? I don’t think so. This is supposed to be real life, Miss.”
8. Freshman girl on the latest lingo:
Other student: “LOL.”
“Um, ‘LOL’ isn’t cool anymore. Now it’s ‘CLAH’.”
“No, C-L-A-H. Cackle like a hen.”
9. ESL Student (One of my favorite kids, ever):
“So, one example of a journey a hero has to go on is in The Wizard of Oz when Dorothy and her friends have to get through the field of poppies.”
Student: “’Poppies’? How do they do that? That sounds terrible.”
“Well, they just walk, but they get really sleepy.”
Student: “…poppies make you sleepy? ‘Poppy’ like arf, arf? I did not know this.”
10. Student essay when directed to support their argument for or against technology with facts:
Technology can be dangerous. For example, in the 1920s, a lot of people who had cell phones also got brain tumors from them. Then they died.
11. Curious freshman:
“Miss, do you have a boyfriend?”
“Um, yes. That’s not really relevant though. Let’s get back on track.”
“Oh! I just figured you didn’t since you said you have a cat.”
12. Freshman girl, upon reading the following lines from modern version of Romeo & Juliet:
[Rosaline is] as clever as Diana, and shielded by the armor of chastity. She can’t be touched by the arrows of love . . . when she dies her beauty will be destroyed with her.
“UGH, SAME. I’m so dying alone.”