Dear Nice Guy,
I’m SO glad there are nice guys like you out there. Having recently broken up with my “asshole” boyfriend that I’ve spent the last 5 ½ years trying to change into husband material, all I can think about is how there must be a NICE guy out there who is just waiting to sweep me off of my feet. I swipe left daily on Tinder, and order extra strong Long Islands at the bar, just hoping somehow you will find me.
There are over a million twenty-somethings exactly like me, complaining about how the men in their lives are always turning out to be “creeps” and “losers”. And here you are, thinking to yourself, “Women are so full of shit. They don’t want nice guys at all! They love the drama of being with a total asshole. Fuck them.”
Well sir, “Mr. Nice Guy”, I’m here to tell you why YOU are the creep/loser/asshole and why you need to stay far, far away from me & every woman that I know:
First of all, who the fuck labeled you a “Nice Guy”? Oh, that’s right! You did! What an unbiased, credible assertion of yourself. On our first date, you’re going to slip it into the conversation somewhere. Thanks for letting me know, since there’s no way I could ever possibly make that kind of judgment on my own. I am just a silly, stupid woman, after all! However, I will overlook that small flaw in our otherwise perfect date. You’ll make good conversation at dinner, seem completely normal, and then you’ll invite me to your place (nice guys can have sex on the first date, too!). You’ll invite me to sit down and pack a bowl/pour a drink, whatever my personal preference, and right here, “ Nice Guy”, is where you become “Creepy Guy”.
We’ve had an awesome date. You’re really feeling me, and I seem like I’m pretty into you. You haven’t been laid in at least six months. You’re just itching for some female contact, and I’m so damn close. But God forbid you’d blatantly ask me to fuck. That’s so vulgar! Youre waaayyy too nice for that. So you look at me and you say, “Are you stressed out? I’m thinking you look like you need a back rub.” What the fuck? Do you honestly think I agreed to come back to your place for a fucking back rub? Depending on my mood that day, I might have played along with your dumb little game. But I was feeling a little salty that night since my ex had texted me earlier that day, so I said “Ummm…no thanks” You have the audacity to pretend to be hurt. Five seconds later, you start smiling at me while we’re watching TV and grab my feet and starting rubbing them. Err…is this your fetish? Feet? As I rebuff every single one of your lame & creepy approaches to getting into my pants, you just as quickly think up a new one. Finally, when you ask me to go take a nap in your bed, I can’t stand it anymore. I get to my feet and announce it’s time I head home and demand that you take me, now. Any positive impression of you I gained at dinner was immediately erased by the disaster we called “going back to your place”. I immediately hope that you never call me again. But you do. Because you’re such a NICE GUY.
“Nice Guy”, you’re probably thinking I think you’re a creep because you wanted to have sex on the first date. That you misjudged me. That I wasn’t as into you as you had calculated. Maybe I have certain beliefs and morals about that kind of thing. But the sad reality is just that I think you’re a total pussy. That’s not a turn on for me, sorry, I just don’t swing that way. So next time, “Nice Guy”, here’s a little advice you can use on your next first date:
Women don’t want to be with “assholes”. They do not want to be with a man that doesn’t respect them. We do NOT enjoy the “drama”. What we do want is someone who is confident enough in themselves that they can openly communicate what they want. If I’m rocking your socks off so much that you cannot keep your hands off me for a second longer, tell me, show me. Don’t ask me creepy questions, just touch me. Just kiss me. Feel my body language. Am I responding to you? Am I melting into you? Then I want this, I want you, too. If I go rigid under your touch, back the fuck off. If my eyes get too wide and I look frightened, stop. My nonverbal cues will tell you everything you need to know without asking. Women do not want “Nice Guys” just as much as they do not want an “Asshole”. They want a man who they feel comfortable with. That takes them to their limits, that finds the things that drive them wild, and leaves them wanting more. So, “Nice Guy”, thanks for that second date invitation to watch a movie at your place, but I think I’ll pass.