1. Organize your closet. It’s one of those tasks you always put off doing, but know deep down inside that you need to stop procrastinating it. You’ve got so much junk in there and it will make you feel better. You know what else would make you feel better? Is if you sobbed hysterically while doing it. You know what else would make you feel even better? Is if you sobbed hysterically instead of doing it, and then took a cry-nap on the floor right next to your closet.
2. Bake something. There’s nothing more alluring during a cold afternoon than baking some warm cookies. You’ll feel like you really accomplished something today, while also providing a little treat for yourself later! And that’s great, but you know what would give you a sense of immediate gratification? Having a breakdown when you realize, halfway through the recipe, that you never bought butter or milk. You really can’t do anything! Eat the butter-less, milk-less raw cookie dough through your tears.
3. Read one of the 13 untouched books sitting on your shelf. Finally! You’ve been dying for some free time to buckle down and crack open a good book. Now’s your chance! Open to chapter one and re-read the third page five times because you keep thinking about how Dylan hasn’t texted you today. Why do you even care that much? Close the book and stare blankly at the wall, overanalyzing everything about yourself that could potentially make you seem repulsive to Dylan. Allow your eyes to fill with tears. Throw the book at a mirror.
4. Teach yourself a new skill. Check out free yoga tutorials on YouTube or watch a couple MasterClass videos. Maybe you could learn calligraphy or knitting. Haphazardly follow the instructions without much thought or effort and then be devastated when you realize you will never be as talented as the people who were professionally hired to make these how-to videos. Why don’t you have natural talent?! You know what you are good at, though? Thinking about your other failures and crying.
5. Watch a classic movie that you’ve been meaning to see. Crawl under the covers and get cozy in bed — maybe even clutch a cute mug of tea or hot chocolate to your chest. This is exciting! When was the last time you watched a movie!? Click “play” and then realize that your laptop has no battery and watch it die immediately. Sit there, in total silence, staring at your reflection in the black screen. Why didn’t you charge it overnight? Look at what you’ve become. Use your diaphragm — and really utilize your lungs here — to let out the loudest, most pained wail you’ve ever screamed in your entire life. Cry for what would’ve been the entire duration of the movie.
6. Be proactive and get a little work done. You may be trapped at home, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be productive. Drink a mug of coffee and get cracking. Actually, you know what, you really do your best work after two cups of coffee. Drink two cups of coffee and think about all the things you’re going to accomplish. Crack your neck a couple of times, really get into the zone. Have one more — or two? Or three? — cup(s) of coffee. You definitely don’t want to be sleepy, not with your bed right there. Notice the caffeine flowing through your veins as your hands start shaking. Feel yourself slipping into insanity. Start stressing about everything. Feel your heart pounding in your chest. Embrace your inevitable breakdown. You knew this was going to happen anyway.