Hello and welcome to Third Wheel Rehab (TWR)! We are basically like a spa for people who have spent the last several months (or years!) perpetually third wheeling their couple friends. This is mostly for Third Wheels whose Primary Couple have broken up, but Third Wheels Who Just Sat In Silence While Their Couple Friends Fought In Front Of Them For The 100th Time are also encouraged to take some time to recuperate here as well.
Please, have a cup of tea. Let’s soothe those nerves.
Couples are terrible and you’ve sacrificed so much for them by being their Designated Third Wheel. You’ve played both the Reluctant Mediator Who Really Didn’t Want To Get Involved and the Token Fun Single Friend!, and you only got mad at Jessica two out of the literal thousands of times when you made plans with her, only to find out she invited her boyfriend without telling you and it’s just like, Jessica, did you forget how to breathe without Dan? He’s not even funny?
Have another cup of tea.
You’ve analyzed screenshots, you’ve kicked legs under tables when someone says something blatantly stupid to set off the other, and you’ve endured painful double dates with other Token Fun Single Friends. Put your feet up, this is a place to restore your mental sanity.
Our on-site masseuse will massage your temples until you can’t remember the headaches you endured from trying not to roll your eyes at your couple friends holding hands in public, as you walk four steps behind them, pretending to text on your phone. Why do they invite you to these things? You didn’t even want to go, but Dan was paying. Were you taking advantage of them or were they taking advantage of you? Whatever, don’t think about it anymore, it’s fine.
Are you drinking your tea? Are you relaxed?
If you were in love with one half of the couple you were Third Wheeling (or both!), we have special programs specifically designed for you. There’s a seminar held every Thursday by someone who just screams, “YOU ONLY LIKE THEM BECAUSE THEY’RE UNAVAILABLE! YOU ONLY LIKE THEM BECAUSE THEY’RE UNAVAILABLE!” over and over in your face until you get it.
Once you are completely rejuvenated, we will release you back into the real world. Although, we legally have to remind you: you’re probably always going to be the Third Wheel.