Things I Accomplished While I Was Actively Procrastinating Writing An Article

Oliver Thomas Klein

I have NEVER been cleaner — I showered three (3) separate times in one day.

I drank my body weight in caffeine and then could see the universe from my desk chair.

And then I had a panic attack because how much caffeine is too much caffeine?

I thought of a movie idea that was very similar to Lady Bird before Lady Bird even came out.

I cross-referenced my ex’s recent tweets with his recent Venmo transactions and his recently added friends and concluded he is dating That Girl. I found her Instagram.

I took my phone apart and then put it back together.

I wiped down all of the shelves in my refrigerator.

I saved bitcoin.

I listened to the same song on a loop for four hours straight while staring vacantly at a blank Word Document.

I called my mom.

My mom ignored my call, so I texted her instead.

I analyzed my star chart.

I re-read old diaries to deliberately hurt my own feelings.

I looked up tickets to London.

I looked up tickets to LA.

I made a to-do list of all the to-do lists I actually need to make.

I invented a new color.

I wasted all of my monthly free Medium articles.

I entered the New Yorker cartoon caption contest.

I learned how to play the violin.

I cleaned my shower.

I ironed that shirt I have always been meaning to iron; except I don’t own an iron so I used a hair straightener.

I thought I had an idea for something to write, but then realized I’d already written it.

I won the New Yorker cartoon caption contest.

I stared at a gif on Facebook of some BuzzFeed girl pretending that you CAN workout and drink red wine at the same time and wondered when I missed the memo that all women have to love wine and have to hate working out.

I listened to a podcast about vomit phobias.

I raised a family.

I made more coffee.

I finally found my biological father.

I took another shower.

I reinvented Facebook.

I accepted and paid a Venmo charge that was sent to me six weeks ago.

I bought all my friends and family gifts for the next three Christmases.

I slept a full, healthy 8 hours. Except it was during the day, when I should’ve been writing. TC mark

Instagram Poet’s “3-Step Book” To Conquer Trauma

Depression is real. Anxiety is real. PTSD is real. ALL mental illnesses are real. Don’t believe anyone who is trying to tell you otherwise.

Every time I’m stressed I distract myself with doing something nice for someone else and it’s the best thing on this planet to watch someone’s eyes light up because they weren’t expecting something nice to happen.

Click here to learn about Nikita

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