I have NEVER been cleaner — I showered three (3) separate times in one day.
I drank my body weight in caffeine and then could see the universe from my desk chair.
And then I had a panic attack because how much caffeine is too much caffeine?
I thought of a movie idea that was very similar to Lady Bird before Lady Bird even came out.
I cross-referenced my ex’s recent tweets with his recent Venmo transactions and his recently added friends and concluded he is dating That Girl. I found her Instagram.
I took my phone apart and then put it back together.
I wiped down all of the shelves in my refrigerator.
I saved bitcoin.
I listened to the same song on a loop for four hours straight while staring vacantly at a blank Word Document.
I called my mom.
My mom ignored my call, so I texted her instead.
I analyzed my star chart.
I re-read old diaries to deliberately hurt my own feelings.
I looked up tickets to London.
I looked up tickets to LA.
I made a to-do list of all the to-do lists I actually need to make.
I invented a new color.
I wasted all of my monthly free Medium articles.
I entered the New Yorker cartoon caption contest.
I learned how to play the violin.
I cleaned my shower.
I ironed that shirt I have always been meaning to iron; except I don’t own an iron so I used a hair straightener.
I thought I had an idea for something to write, but then realized I’d already written it.
I won the New Yorker cartoon caption contest.
I stared at a gif on Facebook of some BuzzFeed girl pretending that you CAN workout and drink red wine at the same time and wondered when I missed the memo that all women have to love wine and have to hate working out.
I listened to a podcast about vomit phobias.
I raised a family.
I made more coffee.
I finally found my biological father.
I took another shower.
I reinvented Facebook.
I accepted and paid a Venmo charge that was sent to me six weeks ago.
I bought all my friends and family gifts for the next three Christmases.
I slept a full, healthy 8 hours. Except it was during the day, when I should’ve been writing.