8 Christmas Movies Everyone I Know Has Screamed At Me For Not Seeing Before (And My Guesses At What The Plots Are)

1. A Christmas Story: This is somewhat cheating, but I HAVE seen the scene where that little kid sticks his tongue on the frozen pole and it gets stuck there. I think my parents showed it to me or told me about it because they thought it was funny, but I, naturally, internalized it as another irrational fear I should worry about on a regular basis. I have never had the desire to lick a frozen telephone pole, but now I’m scared of doing it. I don’t have any rational explanation for why I would be in a situation where I would NEED to do that, but to this day, I think about it a lot. He wants that toy gun, right? Is that this movie? He has cute glasses. I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that “daddy issues” is a major theme in this movie.

2. Home Alone 1-4: This kid gets left alone… at home. Four times? Multiple times? Apparently it’s a different kid in the last two movies, but still. How does this happen? How many kids are in this family? Do the parents hate him? Why does it take a whole movie for them to figure out they forgot him? IT HAPPENS TO HIM TWICE? I would NEVER let my parents get away with ANYTHING if they ABANDONED ME TWICE. And then that guy from My Cousin Vinny tries to break into the house?! Is there a reason? And this abandoned child… stops… him? I’m always charmed by plots that involve a small child defeating two idiot adults, because I would’ve hid in the attic and called the police immediately. Does the kid contact his parents in any sort of way? Does anyone care? How long is he left alone for? I CANNOT get over that there are four of these movies and how everyone wants to stab me when I don’t get any of the references.

3. The Santa Clause: Sort of cheating again, but I caught the end of this movie when I went over to my friends’ apartment the other day and they were watching ABC Family’s 25 Days of Christmas. What I’ve gathered from the last three minutes of this movie: Tim Allen is Santa and he somehow has a kid? When does anyone have time to formally meet and seduce Santa? You, like, really have to plan that out and it’s totally irrational.

4. The Polar Express: I think I read the book when I was in elementary school. It’s a train that goes to the North Pole? Tom Hanks is involved!?

5. Die Hard: I actually already tried to guess the plot for this one. I have no idea how it’s related to Christmas. Guns! Explosions! He jumps out of a helicopter! (I only know that fact because it was referenced in an Office episode.)

6. Miracle on 34th Street: Gonna take a wild guess: Santa visits 34th street? Guys, I live on 34th street.

7. It’s A Wonderful Life: My mom, every year and without fail, will scream at the top of her lungs over the fact that I’ve never seen this movie. Every year, she acts as if she never knew this information and I have FAILED as her child. I have never seen it. I know there’s a bit where the gym floor opens up to a pool (???), but other than that, I have literally no idea who thinks they’re living a wonderful life.

8. The Nightmare Before Christmas: People get SUPER offended over this, but I have no interest in watching it. I think people really enjoy it for the nostalgia factor. I also thought it was a Halloween movie, which is apparently a VERY controversial opinion to have, but it’s skeletons and I’m just putting two and two together here. There’s a skeleton dog? Do they get married in this one? The bride… is… a corpse? Or is that an entirely different movie?