1. Give in to the sweet, sweet temptation of procrastinating very simple tasks. Oh, man, does it feel simultaneously amazing and gut-wrenchingly stressful to completely ignore the building number of emails in your inbox. Look! This one email that just came in only requires a “yes” or “no” answer. One word response!!! But things are going well. Your skin is moisturized, your hair is properly falling into place, your skinny jeans feel loose — fuck that, ruin it all! Watch that inbox number climb through your tears! Why do you do this!
2. Go ooooooon, text him! Hehe! Slice that healed wound right back open and pick at the scab until blood cakes underneath your fingernails. Text him you miss him! FaceTime him at 4AM! You are so aware of what you’re doing, none of this makes any sense! It’s like some bizarre out-of-body experience that is the opposite of fun or cool! Why are you this way! Why can’t you have nice things! Did he answer yet?
3. Stop using your healthy coping mechanisms that you’ve spent aaaaaages integrating seamlessly into your routine! You’ve tricked yourself into regularly working out after work and you don’t even have to think twice about drinking water anymore — but now it’s time to destroy it all! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!?
4. Make one tiny slip-up that really isn’t the end of the world, but act like it is. Start overanalyzing all of your decisions and overthink everything, because that one tiny slip-up will not stop nagging you in the back of your mind. Intentionally just start making dumb mistakes on purpose, to further validate that the first one tiny slip-up was actually the worst thing to have ever happened to you. Fun!
5. Peel those eyes of yours OPEN and spend hours staring at your phone screen instead of sleeping. Make moves to go to sleep at a reasonable hour — turn off your bedroom lights, take out your contact lenses, brush your teeth — and then completely rid your body and mind of their rightful rest by refreshing your Instagram/Twitter/Facebook apps over and over and over and over and over again, until you’re one click away from having read the entire internet on your phone for absolutely no reason. Live, laugh, love, self-sabotage.