Items That Didn’t Make The Cut For Goop’s Annual Holiday Gift Guide

1. A bottle of wine where the wine is somehow made up of crushed diamonds. You actually also can’t drink it, only smell it. $4 trillion.

2. Scotch glasses carved out of recovered Brontosaurus bones. $7,000,000.

3. A glass fruit bowl for pomegranates ONLY. $6,500,000.

4. An iPhone case that’s just another iPhone. $900.99

5. Mascara made out of real eyelashes and gold — perfect as a stocking stuffer ladies! $300.

6. A bottle opener, but it’s actually a person who will come and open any bottles for you. Paid $85/hourly.

7. A beach house in Rhode Island for that guy you’ve been seeing since October. $35,000/day.

8. Thigh high suede boots for your dog. $872 (per leg).

9. ‘Second Skin Gloves’: gloves that are undetectable to anyone but you, so that you don’t have to touch other people with your bare skin ever. Gross! $2 billion.

10. The copyright ownership to ‘Skinny Love’ by Bon Iver for literally no other reason than now nobody can play it ever again (without having to pay you.) $55.

11. A sports bra made out of healing crystals. $215.

12. Everlasting love and happiness and a sense of overall fulfillment in every area of your life. $15.

13. An easily attachable shower head that funnels in the appropriate amount of dopamine into your brain whenever you take a shower. $6 billion.

14. Life size statue of Gwynenth Paltrow, made out of recycled canned soup (her greatest fear). $8.9 million.

15. A functioning wand with your patronus already programmed into it. $7,000.

16. A bathrobe that reverses the aging process (available to be monogrammed for an extra cost). $10,000.

17. Instead of candles, you can hire this guy who will stand in various rooms and wear a hat that’s on fire. $3 bajillion/hour.