This is a really gross and intimate detail about me (hello, internet) but I sometimes compulsively pick at my skin. The therapist I was seeing a couple years ago pointed it out to me and told me that it’s because I have cOnTrOL iSSuEs and whenever I get anxious or overwhelmed or feel a loss of power in any way, I sink into this weird trance where I have to claw at my own skin. This whole paragraph is my dating app bio, please swipe right.
Anyway, I have always had a problem with never letting wounds heal. I have a scar on my leg from falling on a playground while growing up and I actually remember the scab that formed there. My mom used to smack my hands when I’d pick at it and tell me I was going to destroy my body and that it was disgusting to watch me do it. I just figured I could slap a band-aid on that oozing cut and maybe wince a little if my jeans rubbed against it in a funny way, but otherwise I was allllll for never letting it heal. Fuck Neosporin, I was going to tear my flesh off. I’d get blood deep under my fingernails and my brain would go all fuzzy for the chunks of time I dedicated to prodding my skin. I’m better at fighting the temptation now, but oh man oh man, I hope the counseling center I went to in 2015 paid my therapist well, because she fuuuucking nailed it.
I thought about this because I’m reminded once again of how little control I have over everything and how uncomfortable this makes me and how I wish I could just make everything be exactly how I want it to be. It’s like looking at a violently crooked picture frame or something — it’s so insignificant that I should be able to look away and move on, but I can’t stop glaring at it and feeling itchy all over because it’s not right it’s not right it’s not right it’s not right.
I used to think I was very smart and strong and brave, but I keep going back to old diary entries and old conversations and old memories whenever I feel sad — only to deliberately make myself feel worse — and I can’t help but be reminded that I am actually very stupid and weak and scared all the time.
I wrote this instead of picking at that wound. It’s just a temporary solution for now.