This Is Just A Temporary Solution

Larm Rmah

This is a really gross and intimate detail about me (hello, internet) but I sometimes compulsively pick at my skin. The therapist I was seeing a couple years ago pointed it out to me and told me that itโ€™s because I have cOnTrOL iSSuEs and whenever I get anxious or overwhelmed or feel a loss of power in any way, I sink into this weird trance where I have to claw at my own skin. This whole paragraph is my dating app bio, please swipe right.

Anyway, I have always had a problem with never letting wounds heal. I have a scar on my leg from falling on a playground while growing up and I actually remember the scab that formed there. My mom used to smack my hands when Iโ€™d pick at it and tell me I was going to destroy my body and that it was disgusting to watch me do it. I just figured I could slap a band-aid on that oozing cut and maybe wince a little if my jeans rubbed against it in a funny way, but otherwise I was allllll for never letting it heal. Fuck Neosporin, I was going to tear my flesh off. Iโ€™d get blood deep under my fingernails and my brain would go all fuzzy for the chunks of time I dedicated to prodding my skin. Iโ€™m better at fighting the temptation now, but oh man oh man, I hope the counseling center I went to in 2015 paid my therapist well, because she fuuuucking nailed it.

I thought about this because Iโ€™m reminded once again of how little control I have over everything and how uncomfortable this makes me and how I wish I could just make everything be exactly how I want it to be. Itโ€™s like looking at a violently crooked picture frame or something โ€” itโ€™s so insignificant that I should be able to look away and move on, but I canโ€™t stop glaring at it and feeling itchy all over because itโ€™s not right itโ€™s not right itโ€™s not right itโ€™s not right.

I used to think I was very smart and strong and brave, but I keep going back to old diary entries and old conversations and old memories whenever I feel sad โ€” only to deliberately make myself feel worse โ€” and I canโ€™t help but be reminded that I am actually very stupid and weak and scared all the time.

I wrote this instead of picking at that wound. It’s just a temporary solution for now. TC mark

Related

More From Thought Catalog

  • http://nifyhealth.com/this-is-just-a-temporary-solution-2/ This Is Just A Temporary Solution | Take control of your health!

    […] article came from:Source link Is this your website? If so, Claim this business by clicking […]

  • https://allabout2.co.place/this-is-just-a-temporary-solution/ This Is Just A Temporary Solution | Sport and Celebrities

    […] More From this publisher : HERE […]

  • https://freshnews2.co.network/this-is-just-a-temporary-solution/ This Is Just A Temporary Solution | Health and Funny

    […] More From this publisher : HERE […]

blog comments powered by Disqus