I’m taking the train from Connecticut back into the city. I’ve been sick for about a week and had to come home for something anyway, so I milked the opportunity to be fed free food and have people (my parents) openly care about me. I have been trying to be a better family member.
Anyway, I’m at the train station and downstairs there’s a small coffee cart that my dad once told me about and I wait in line behind a woman who is paying with a $100 bill and who keeps saying “I need to catch this train, I need to catch this train” as the barista is trying to give her change for a $2 coffee. I buy a coffee — but with my debit card because I’m 23 and can’t remember the last time I paid with cash for anything.
I deliberately waited for the local train to Grand Central so that I’d have a window seat and I can watch the transition from suburbia to the city. The coffee is much better than the instant coffee I usually drink in my apartment and I can feel the caffeine working. I text too many people too many things. Caffeine is so bad for my brain because I’m already overthinking everything, but I am now completely dependent on it. I can’t help but wish I was the type of person to be completely satisfied by one cup of coffee in the morning.
I eat a Clif bar from the office kitchen. Ezra watched me eat a Clif bar once on the subway and literally hasn’t stopped talking about it since. I eat it quickly at my desk and immediately throw out the wrapper — the office has polarizing food politics. I’m too lazy to go and buy a yogurt from the grocery store across the street, so I start chewing gum immediately.
I have eight minutes to order lunch. I order the same salad I’ve had every day for lunch since maybe April or May. I can’t taste it anymore and it makes me miserable, but I’ll have a meltdown if I have to think about food for longer than two seconds.
I want to write an article I thought of while on the subway, so I make another cup of coffee. I have a box of instant coffee packets on my desk and they are absolutely awful. For some reason, the cup I make today tastes salty. I tell Jacob this over Slack and he expresses zero concern. I read somewhere that Starbucks has this cold brew with 250mg of caffeine in it. That’s what I need every hour.
I contemplate eating another Clif bar. This is usually when my attention span starts to dwindle because all I can think about is food and how badly I wish I didn’t ever think about food. Do other people associate food with events/time periods/people? I already know I’m going to associate chocolate chip Clif bars with this office for the rest of my life.
Some foods I associate with depression and therefore will not eat anymore:
Cinnamon Toast Crunch
Hazelnut coffee creamer
Tollhouse cookie dough
Kirkland green tea
Yogi ginger tea
Those really good chocolate Lacey’s cookies from Trader Joe’s
Quadratini Dark Chocolate Wafer Cookies
I walk with Preet to Sweetgreen so she can buy lunch. I figure by the time I get back, my lunch will arrive. Too much of my morning is spent thinking about when lunch will arrive. I get the same salad from Sweetgreen every time I’m there too.
I hate this salad I hate this salad I hate this salad I hate this salad I hate this salad I hate this salad I hate this salad I hate this salad I hate this salad I hate this salad I hate this salad I hate this salad I hate this salad I hate this salad I hate this salad I hate this salad I hate this salad I hate this salad I hate this salad I hate this salad I hate this salad I hate this salad I hate this salad I hate this salad I hate this salad I hate this salad I hate this salad I hate this salad I hate this salad I hate this salad
I finish the salad. I want more coffee. And chocolate. Maybe peanut butter. The grocery store across the street has these peanut butter packets and I like the hazelnut one. I know I’m only hungry because I’m unhappy and bored, so I stay at my desk instead. It’s taken me over five years to get to the point where I won’t just impulsively buy a lot of food and then hate myself. Now I just hate myself. Jk!
I’m leaving on Thursday for a couple of days, so I can’t go grocery shopping after work. I have a box of granola bars in my backpack that my mom gave me right before I left home. I can’t remember if I need milk. I love grocery stores but am never productive shopping in them. I will wander around the aisles for an hour and just look at everything, but the thought of buying practical items and following a list and meal prep and planning ahead makes my brain turn into mush.
Should I eat one of the granola bars in my backpack?
I go on a walk and think about food every time I pass a grocery store or coffee shop — the block I walk around has two grocery stores, one deli, and three coffee shops.
I contemplate going home and finishing my work in the comfort of my apartment — but I’m worried I will get bored and hungry and not be productive and stress and then overeat.
I eat a granola bar. It’s one of those Nature Valley ones that makes a mess and sort of sticks to the roof of your mouth. Overall an unpleasant experience, but hopefully my brain/stomach will shut up now.
I wonder if chugging water will make me stop thinking about food. There was a period in high school where I was very into the whole thinspiration thing on Tumblr and always think about how one of the tips was to constantly drink ice cold water with lemon. I also remember it saying that you should never “drink your calories,” but I love Coke more I love than most human beings. I am thankful every day that I am not a teenager in 2017.
The walk home is perpetually a battle against me just ducking into a random shop and buying something to eat and justifying it as me needing to eat dinner. There is gyro shop across the street from my apartment that is amazing and heavy and greasy and they will sometimes give me a tub of rice as a side. Easy Mac is so unbelievably cheap in the deli right next to my building. Last time I had Easy Mac, I was drunk, and ended up throwing up in my friend’s upstairs bathroom sink. I didn’t tell her.
I eat a spoonful of peanut butter for dinner because that’s all I have in my apartment. It’s the crunchy kind, which is superior to smooth — I’ll fight you. My roommate is telling me about her day and in the back of my mind I’m wondering if I should order Seamless. The gyro place is on Seamless.
I shower, which is my go-to preferred method of procrastination. My mom recently told me that a family friend’s son lost a lot of weight by brushing his teeth at exactly 8PM every night and not eating anything afterwards. It’s not that I’m trying to lose weight, but more so trying to control my eating overall.
I brush my teeth in the shower.