A Series Of Arbitrary Thoughts That Keep Me Up At Night

The Office

I knew both your ex-girlfriend’s and your current girlfriend’s names before you told me about either.

I make lists of lists I need to make.

I’ve probably googled the height for every male celebrity there is and I feel like I can confidently say they’re all 5’6.”

My greatest fear when I was in third grade was carbon monoxide poisoning and eventually my parents bought me The Complete Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook and I would read it every night because my parents were exhausted from answering all of my paranoid questions. If you are ever disoriented and buried under snow from an avalanche and don’t know which way is to the surface, you’re supposed to spit because it will run down.

All of 2005 and the first half of 2016 were great, the first half of 2015 was The Worst.

I have 85 unread texts and I told my coworker and he said “oh wow you’re so popular” but actually I’ve been ignoring everyone for three days.

Do you ever have those moments where you are confused why someone isn’t obsessed with you? And then do you ever have those moments where you’re like, oh ok I get it now, yeah.

I really love people who will do most of the talking in conversations because then I learn all of their secrets without saying anything.

Someone once told me I’m very talented at deflecting and pretending things aren’t as bad as they actually are, and in response I asked him which parent he felt closest to (Mom).

I am confused by mentally healthy people and people with 20/20 vision.

My phone stopped properly working on my flight from LA to SF so I use my roommate leaving our apartment for work as an alarm.

Pam Beesly is the worst character on The Office and the character I get compared to the most. I’ve introduced two guys I’ve had crushes on to The Office.

I only trust one (1) friend with TV show recommendations. I don’t care what anyone else is watching.

I am the only person I trust to get everyone off the plane in case of an emergency (including airline staff and trained professionals), which is why I always book a seat near the exit row. The only aspect of flying that scares me is that I can’t confidently explain how planes work.

No matter what I’m watching on YouTube, the sidebar always recommends a recent interview with Harry Styles.

I’ve never cried in an airport despite wanting to almost anytime I’m in one, but I have cried in a taxi somewhere near Chelsea at 11:14AM on a Friday, outside the Le Pain on Gayley, and on the grass by Bunche Hall at UCLA.

I could never date another writer because I genuinely don’t want to know what other people think of me. TC mark

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