You’ve officially been assigned into the Cute Girl Category. We know you applied for the Sexy Girl Category, but after a panel of qualified straight men examined your portfolio and read your personal statement, we’ve decided that you definitely have more potential to be Cute rather than Sexy.
And, obviously, you can only be one—so, welcome!
What does it mean to be Cute? How much do you need to change about yourself to accommodate these expectations?
Well, first of all, you can’t show too much skin. You’re cute, remember? Don’t worry, the panel will send you a fully stocked wardrobe of sun dresses and big fluffy sweaters that look like clouds!!! and brightly colored capri pants. Like, you should dress simultaneously way too old and way too young for your age.
We’ve taken the liberty of updating all of your interests as well. You’re now very much into baking cupcakes, listening to The Smiths, singing to birds, recognizing glitter as its own art medium, and batting your eyelashes. Our panel thinks these are all very appropriate activities for you to be involved in because the panel is not threatened by any of them. And it’s just so cute to watch you do them!
We’ve decided to alter your laugh so it’s less loud and distracting and more, well, cute. It will from here henceforth be a light giggle and you will adorably cover your mouth with your hands as you do it. Gah, it’s just so cute!
Some things you should train yourself to giggle at on command, as recommended by the panel: kittens, tiny cups of coffee, sunlight, The Big Bang Theory, really big cups of coffee, the joke your date totally stole from Louis CK.
Your new Cute Girl Virtues: you’re always eating dried fruit, you encourage everyone to keep their natural hair color, all of your Instagrams are of trees or pies.
Your new Cute Girl Vices: you make your tea too strong.
With this acceptance letter comes a complimentary Aura Of Unexplainable Innocence that will follow you around like a personal cloud. You also have the option of adding on Vibes Suggesting You Are Always Ready To Meet Someone’s Parents for a small additional cost.
And remember! You will never be seen as a sexual object. Just a Regular Object. Hehe!