I’m so grateful you were able to move on from me so quickly (alrighty, Greg, thanks for letting me know that I was about 120% more into that than you were). It’s truly incredible that you were able to meet someone and post a photo with them in such a quick timeframe (how do you delete someone from your brain?).
It’s nice that I no longer have to worry about your well-being or happiness now that you’ve kindly made it so clear (and public) that you’re totally fine (Greg, you were always a disaster, how did you get your act together faster than I could?).
And, yeah, I know—whatever it was we were doing was very casual, as per my demands (but weren’t you in love with me?) and so of course I’m not upset with you (you were supposed to be in love with me).
I just didn’t realize it was, like, a race to see who could get over the other person the fastest (I can’t fucking believe I was more into this than you were, this isn’t what was supposed to happen).
But it’s fine (it’s not). Because I’m very emotionally stable now (well, I was, back two minutes ago when I was blissfully under the impression that you could barely exist without me). I almost feel more secure knowing that I am just one of those people who puts all their energy into something instead of half-assing it (I literally thought I was half-assing it this whole time—I thought I had all the power—what were you doing?).
Huh. Maybe I’m more in tune with my emotions than I thought (oh my god). Is this what it means to be an empath (oh my GOD)?
I guess I’m just someone who just takes feelings and relationships a little bit more seriously than most (what the fuck? Why do I even feel things?). I guess I’m just a little bit more mature than most people (Greg, I once watched you incorrectly try to cook rice, how was I more emotionally invested in this than you were?).
It was only a matter of time before one of us figured out how to move on (it was supposed to be me first). And I’m sure that new girl you’re with is really nice (when did you meet her? How did you meet her? I feel stressed out that I haven’t met anyone, I didn’t realize we were supposed to be meeting people).
And I definitely haven’t looked at her Instagram (did you meet her at a bar, Greg? You went out?)
I’m glad we’re on the same page (I’m screaming). It was unhealthy if you were still thinking about me at this point (if you don’t still think about me, I’m going to be so pissed).
It’s a positive sign that we can both effortlessly move on from this without dwelling too much on the little insignificant things (there was definitely a point where you liked me more than I liked you, right?).