I Totally Didn’t Even Notice It Took You Two Hours To Text Me Back (What The Fuck?)

Inside Amy Schumer
Inside Amy Schumer

Oh! A notification!

This is nothing new, I’m so used to my phone vibrating, sometimes I even let it buzz multiple times before I check to see who texted me (Steve, if this isn’t you responding to the text I sent two hours ago, I’m going to scream).

I’m very calm, cool, and collected when it comes to texting in general (I haven’t done anything productive in hours). I just kinda text whatever and hit send (I sent a draft of this text to two close friends and edited it twice) and then I just toss my phone out of sight because I could not care less if and when someone responds (I am staring at your name, willing you to respond—you have made me be this way).

Sometimes I even forget that I sent anything in the first place (it is currently the only thought on my mind).

Look, I get it. I’m sooooo bad at texting (what does that even mean, why is that a thing people say?) and so I understand why it’s taken you this long to answer me (I don’t understand, your phone is practically glued to your face).

It’s not like I’m really waiting for you to answer, I’m sure you’re busy (you were active on Facebook 3 minutes ago). I’m busy too (I know you were active on Facebook 3 minutes ago because I was also active on Facebook 3 minutes ago).

Our jobs and lives are stressful (I will quit my job if you don’t text me back). I’d almost be weirded out if you did text me back within an appropriate time frame (I sent you a joke, Steve. Do you know what humor is? Just throw an “lol” my way and let me move on).

I’m confident. I’m comfortable with myself. I am a strong, independent woman and I just don’t do that thing where I stress out over the fact that I had to text you first and then you didn’t answer for half a day (I know the text wasn’t, like, literally LOL-worthy, but it was “haha” funny, right?).

And I don’t follow those weird, arbitrary rules about dating and texting (at what point is it ok to send another text to you? Also, what are we?).

I’ll triple text if I want to (does that make me seem crazy?) or I’ll ignore you right back (I will wait a max of 13 minutes and then it’s physically painful for me not to respond).

Everything is fine (it is the opposite of that). I’m just going to calmly check my phone (Steve…) and see who could possibly be interrupting my very busy workday (…if this is an email from, like, TheSkimm instead of a text back, I will smash everything).

Ah, nope (what the fuck?). Just a text from someone else. I’ll just answer them later (why won’t you text me back?). TC mark

Instagram Poet’s “3-Step Book” To Conquer Trauma

Depression is real. Anxiety is real. PTSD is real. ALL mental illnesses are real. Don’t believe anyone who is trying to tell you otherwise.

Every time I’m stressed I distract myself with doing something nice for someone else and it’s the best thing on this planet to watch someone’s eyes light up because they weren’t expecting something nice to happen.

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