1. There is an age at which you no longer can binge drink vodka out of a plastic handle without suffering the most soul-crushing hangover of your life, and that age is approximately two weeks after you turn 22.
2. Sleeping alone kinda sucks sometimes. It’s fine to want a body sleeping next to you. Sometimes it’s nice to hold their hand.
3. Sleeping with someone kinda sucks sometimes. It’s fine to want to sleep by yourself. It’s nice to get all the cool parts of the pillows and sheets for yourself.
4. The internet can be a horrible place and it feels so good to take a break from it for as long as you can.
5. The best thing you can do for your self-esteem is find friends who don’t care if you send them neurotic essay texts at 4am or if you accidentally smash their phone on the sidewalk.
6. Therapy is the smartest decision you’ll ever make. This human studied for years to sit in a room and listen to you talk about your insecurities for an hour. Tell everyone about it.
7. Don’t wait until the last second to re-order your contact lenses because you’ll just end up using that same pair for way too long and you’ll spend so much energy wondering if some kind of bacteria is destroying your eyes.
8. Also, the worse your eyesight is, the uglier and more sensible your glasses have to be. Be weary of those wearing trendy glasses. They were probably the people who teased you in 3rd grade for actually needing them.
9. Exit interviews after dating should absolutely be a social norm.
10. “I was blacked out” is not a legitimate excuse for anything.
11. It’s a red flag if someone doesn’t have at least a couple of books somewhere in their bedroom.
12. Too many people abuse the rules “If you don’t want to do it, you don’t have to!” and “Treat yourself!”
13. It requires a lot of work to be taken seriously.
14. Things to prioritize: high-quality peanut butter, moisturizing your skin, interacting with dogs on the street.
15. Things to avoid focusing on: if Greg (who, like a cartoon character, wears the same thing every single day—a Patagonia vest and Sperry’s) will text you back, whether your music taste is cool enough, mistakes you made in 2009.
16. Things you should know: your parents’ birthdays, your bra size, whether you can work bangs.
17. Everything and anything can be (and probably is) funny.