Growing up is rough. And for us ladies, the descent into old age comes with many difficult milestones:
Our first training bra. Our first slumber party. Our first three-way phone call on a landline for the sole purpose of us finally getting Brittany to just fucking admit that she had a crush on Dave. Our first kiss. Our first good kiss. Our awkward stage(s). Middle school. Getting bangs. Immediately regretting getting bangs. High school. Our first time getting drunk and dancing on a table. College.
And then—the post-grad era. The coveted 20-something years.
This guy at Post Grad Problems has meticulously compiled a list of Things Girls Do After Graduation. (I like to hate-click them because of their accuracy.)
The list varies from things we need to have in order to survive (Athleisure, ClassPass, Uber) to actual activities we need to complete in order to fulfill our destined 20-something female lifestyle (Cabo Nights One and Two, Apple Picking, Sip & Paint Class).
Nonetheless, here are 14 Things Girls Do After Graduation that are absolutely, astoundingly 110% true.
And on the seventh day, God created the Lululemon All The Right Places Pant II, and all was well in the world because your calves looked great and you looked healthy even though you definitely didn’t work out this week.
2. Drunk Arguments
No better time to tell Lauren you think she’s been a shitty friend ever since she started dating Spencer than in the back of an Uber at 2am while she’s half passed out and you’re screaming and trying to rally the driver into agreeing with you that Lauren really wasn’t there for you in 2014.
3. Order dessert
This is only applicable if you all split the side of fries.
4. Shop online
It doesn’t even feel like you’re spending money. And you don’t have to get out of bed. And you don’t have to interact with people. And you probably won’t get the right size because you didn’t try it on. And it will sit in the back of your closet forever. It’s a flawless system.
5. Plan brunch
People who are too hungover to respond to your frantic group messages trying to get a headcount before the brunch reservations are all filled up are who you imagine populates the 8th circle of Hell.
“I just don’t like drama or confrontation” you say to your roommate as you deliberately respond “mmmk.” to your friend who left the bar without telling you last night.
7. Lunch date
The biggest, juiciest, most inappropriate secrets are always discussed over a well-tossed Harvest Bowl from Sweetgreen and iced tea. That’s why lunch dates always last at least 3 hours. If not, you’re boring.
8. Be cold
Yeah, you’re aware that you’re wearing an oversized, woven Anthropologie sweater (that you bought full price)—as if that would stop you from complaining. And, yes, you’re going to unzip your coat while you’re outside because what is even the point of spending money on Madewell sweaters if nobody is going to see them.
9. Housewarming party
How else are you going to let 20+ people know all at once that you have a Breakfast at Tiffany’s poster in your bedroom and 143 baby succulents?
10. Girl’s night
Factors that inevitably lead to the planning of a Girl’s Night: Someone broke up with their boyfriend; a friend on the outskirts of the friend group got a boyfriend and you all want to talk shit about it; Kevin won’t text you back, so you need to get drunk.
11. Consider grad school
Even though it’s a miracle you managed to finish undergrad by the skin of your teeth, anytime you feel like quitting your job or making a big ~*~life change~*~, the first thought that comes to your mind is grad school. It’s never like, “Get a haircut!” or “Try drinking less!”—it’s always grad school. You’ve always kinda thought you were destined for a higher education. Plus, Kevin wouldn’t pull this shit with you if you were in grad school, would he?
12. Go to music festivals
Your top Spotify playlist is entirely made up of One Direction songs, but that doesn’t mean you’re not going to spend hundreds of dollars on a ticket for a three-day showcase of music you’ve never even heard of/enjoyed before. Think of the Instagram opportunity.
13. Book clubs
You still order hardcover books off of Amazon because it’s cute, so the next logical step would obviously be to start a book club with your lady friends. It’s also a great way to judge Karen, who is a huge advocate for the “I didn’t read the book, but I liked the movie!” crowd.
14. Become a foodie
There’s nothing like the moment when you realize that you can tolerate kale and/or avocado toast. It’s truly a special power that instantly enables you to feel superior to almost everyone else. So you start grocery shopping at Whole Foods and exclusively drinking “drip coffee,” and somehow overnight you’ve morphed into this foodie monster who checks-in on Yelp.