1. Cabernet Sauvignon
The King of the Red Wines, this wine is bold and strong—which is why it’s perfect for cleansing your palate when you feel the bile building up upon realizing that Jason met his new girlfriend on Bumble. You literally can’t get a guy to give you the time of day on Bumble (this isn’t what feminism is about, right?), and Jason is already so intimate with this girl that they’re taking photos together? Just the two of them? Sober?
Dubbed the “Most Misunderstood White Wine,” a glass of Chardonnay is the only logical option to accompany investigating what Gavin has been up to ever since he ghosted you back in early 2015. He’s still single and still sort of lacking a real personality, which further mystifies you as to why he just dropped all communication. You examine his tweets—hoping there’s something about him leaving the country or being kidnapped that would explain why he stopped texting you.
Whether your Rosé is sparkling or not determines how much you miss Patrick—for the Golden Rule is When Thou Doth Chug Sparkling Pink Wine, Thou Shalt End Up Sleeping In A Bathtub. If you still consider him to be your end-all, be-all—it’s best to stick with regular Rosé when you go through his Facebook. “He really didn’t even go through an awkward phase, did he?” you whisper to your wine glass as you look at his 8th grade graduation photos.
4. Pinot Grigio
With hints of green apple, undertones of peach, and a pinch of floral citrus, Pinot Grigio is the best cheap wine to swig out of the bottle when your newsfeed informs you that Todd just tagged his new girlfriend in a meme.
5. Sauvignon Blanc
You’re completely over Nick. You’re completely over him and you’re not sorry that splitting a bottle of wine with your roommate resulted in you waking up to the following text from him: “Did you just send me a drunk message over LinkedIn?”
6. Pinot Noir
After you pour a (hefty) glass, set the mood: cloak yourself in your finest L.L. Bean Fleece Throw Blanket, dim the lights, barricade your bedroom door, and sink right into the mental serenity that is going through Sean’s Instagram and reconfirming to yourself that you were totally his peak. “It’s gonna be allllll down hill for him,” you smile to yourself, your teeth completely stained from the wine.
7. An Entire Box Of Franzia
Even though every gulp of this boxed poison makes you cringe, so does every second you spend looking at Matt’s newest girlfriend’s Tumblr—which is filled with poetry about him (where he is painfully referred to as “Lover”) and photos of her Fjällräven Kanken backpack (which is irrelevant to your relationship with Matt, but you’re still irritated by how many photos there are of that fucking backpack in a field somewhere). So as you pour Sunset Blush straight into your mouth from the plastic nozzle, you can’t help but wonder what exactly Matt thought was wrong with you.