7:06pm

You start your group text with Jessica and Liz. You want to keep tonight kinda low-key, so you specifically don’t invite Morgan (but, like, you’re also fully prepared to feign shock that you forgot to include her if anyone says anything).

7:42pm

You guys discuss plans to maybe do a pregame at your apartment *just the three of you* and then going out to bar afterwards. Liz also heard that Matt might be throwing something at his place, but you haven’t talked to him in two weeks, so you passively shut down the option by responding with an eye roll gif.

7:50pm

Jessica promises to bring beer and you all agree to get ready at your apartment. It’s going to be a ~*~Fun Ladies Night Halloween~*~, so no hard alcohol. Just a bunch of lady friends in clever costumes, casually drinking beers.

8:12pm

You re-read Liz’s texts about Matt’s party. Is she trying to get with him?

8:34pm

You spend time googling “clever costume ideas.” You really want to google “sexy, clever costume ideas,” but for some reason it bothers you that that’s what you’re really looking for. You’re not going to be a cat this year. You are fucking 23. And you are better than that.

9:08pm

You have way too high of expectations for how the night is going to unfold, and your excitement and nerves make you not want to eat anything before drinking. Whatever, it’s just beer. And it’ll probably be an early night.

9:37pm

You and Jessica have each taken two shots of strawberry lemonade Svedka. Jessica is dressing up as a somewhat slutty Eleven from Stranger Things with a really cute pink dress and wig. Damn it, that’s really good. And you still don’t know what you’re being.

9:55pm

Why is it so hard to find a sexy and clever costume?

10:03pm

Liz shows up as an “Ex-Wife” and is literally just wearing a tiny silk nightgown with some smudged mascara and toting a bottle of bubbly pink wine. So your two friends look super hot (what the fuck happened to it just being a ladies night?) and you don’t have a costume yet.

10:05pm

You take two more shots and then announce that you’re going out as a cat. There is literally no other option. Whatever.

10:48pm

Liz has unlocked Drunk Level 4 and is mixing her wine with vodka. You can tell Jessica is going downhill pretty fast because she keeps Snapchatting videos of her loudly rapping the wrong words to whatever song is playing. Your vision is kinda blurry and you just hope the whiskers you drew on with eyeliner don’t look weird.

11:22pm

Everyone is being incredibly difficult about who calls the uber and how to split it. Jessica only has Lyft, which is stupid. Everyone has peed approximately five times each within the last half hour.

12:05am

You’ve been at the bar for a while now, and this ~*~Fun Ladies Night Halloween~*~ has fully metamorphosed into a race to get guys dressed up as either Darth Vader or Ken Bone to buy you as many cranberry vodkas as your bladder can handle. You’re starting to feel the burn from fake-smiling at the guy who is currently explaining to you how private equity firms work.

1:36am

Jessica has lost her wig and announced that she’s bored with the bar (read: guys stopped talking to her because she is wasted). Liz suggests going to a party that she heard was going on nearby. You have a weird sinking feeling that it’s going to end up being Matt’s party, but that could also be your empty stomach revolting against the amount of sugary alcohol you just downed.

1:38am

Again, nobody can coordinate who calls the uber.

2:01am

The uber driver is entirely unimpressed that you can sing all of Shania Twain’s “Man! I Feel Like A Woman.” Jessica keeps messaging the group text and threatening to throw up in the back of the car. Nobody responds.

2:54am

Matt is nowhere to be seen at his own party, and because of how drunk you are, you decide to be entirely anti-social and brood in the corner of his living room. There are four other girls here dressed up as cats. Morgan flips you off as soon as she sees you.

3:23am

Liz goes missing.

3:59am

You and Jessica decide to leave the party in an honorable quest to find pizza.

4:02am

You discover Liz has been with Matt this entire time. You are crying off your real eyeliner and the eyeliner you used for the cat whiskers.

4:36am

Jessica barfs while trying to take her clothes off in the middle of Matt’s street. Pizza quest is over. The whole night is over. Halloween sucks.