1. Is his favorite country song “Wagon Wheel”?
2. Does he scream the lyrics at the top of his lungs when he’s drunk, with one arm thrown around the neck of the closest stranger to him?
3. Has he told you he’s voting for Trump because “he’s not Hillary”?
4. Has he mentioned that he “hates politicians”?
5. Did he tell you more than once that he thinks taxes are dumb—even though his signing bonus for that consulting job he got at his dad’s firm immediately after graduating from Bucknell is greater than the annual income of the average working class family?
6. Does he look like the type who would drink a margarita out of a can on Metro North?
7. Is his name something like Brad? Or Brock? Is he, like, the third Brad or Brock in his family?
8. Is he doing an extraordinary amount of mansplaining to you?
9. How long has he spent describing his Ideal Woman to you?
10. Does he say things like “misogyny isn’t an issue today”?
11. Did he just misuse the words “socialist” or “fascist”?
12. Are you watching him argue with someone? Did he just ungracefully lose said argument and call his opponent “so fucking gay”?
13. How many times has he mentioned “plowing chicks”? How little do you believe that he’s been doing anything of the sort?
14. Does he have a strong opinion on when it’s appropriate for himself to wear blue jeans? Is that time when he’s either on a farm or when he’s feeling too casual for his perpetually pleated khakis?
15. Look at his Facebook. How many of his profile pictures are of him playing lacrosse?
16. Look at his Instagram. How many of his pictures are of him, shirtless with American flag swim trunks, barbecuing meat?
17. Has he reminded you that Trump “is the only candidate who won’t destroy America”?
18. When asked by you to further clarify that statement with legitimate, factual evidence in your feeble attempt to have a real conversation with this person, did he just start shouting “‘MERICA”?
19. Is he riveted and relieved by Trump’s anti-PC rhetoric? Does he think being politically correct is the same as being censored? Did he bring up the wrong amendment (“it’s the third one or whatever”) as proof that being PC is anti-American?