1. “Coffee Addict.”
You talk about coffee as if you roast the beans yourself, but let’s be honest—you use a Keurig like the rest of us peasants. Friends and co-workers continually gift you mugs with sassy remarks on them about how you’re not a morning person, you assign carefully selected emojis to contacts in your phone, and you’ve ordered three different afghan blankets off of Etsy for optimal **aesthetic** purposes.
It’s very refreshing to finally have someone on the internet who will willingly express their personal opinions. You have fulfilled the promise in your bio and expressed your opinion by tweeting that the following things are #over: Friends, Buzzfeed quizzes, Tom Hanks’ movie career, pasta forms other than spaghetti, CNN, art museums, and the Super Bowl (after Katy Perry performed).
3. “Twentysomething living in [name of closest major city to where you actually live].”
The fact that you only vaguely mention your age group rather than your specific age is so mysterious! On a regular basis you describe at least 35 different things as “kafkaesque,” you will dramatically leave your Moleskine notebook in the living room of your apartment so that your roommates can read your poetry and see how sad you are, and you roll your own cigarettes.
4. “Tea Enthusiast.”
You def only drink Lipton—probably raspberry flavored. Or sweetened lemonade iced tea. You have a mediocre anecdote about how you’ve been “boating” that you always tell whenever you meet someone new, when you’re drunk you’re convinced you can speak Spanish, and you have a framed “Keep Calm And Carry On” poster in your bathroom.
5. “Part-time DJ.”
You were praised that one time at a dorm party when you volunteered to play your favorite Pandora station for everyone, and here we are. You’ve convinced yourself you knew about Avicii before anyone else, you drink Monster energy drinks instead of coffee in the mornings, and you genuinely love and admire Taylor Swift’s transition into pop music (but would never admit it to anyone).
6. “ONLY drink craft beer.”
You are a pain to go out with. You’re willing to shell out twice as much for a six-pack at Whole Foods, but will open a vein if you ever have to pay a cover to get into a club or bar. Your go-to Instagram pictures are of sunsets and guitars, you post passive aggressive Facebook statuses, and you don’t “get” Portlandia.
7. “Art/Hipster Junkie.”
Your bio exclusively refers to the fact that you go on Tumblr every night. You always talk about how you wish you had a pen pal to send a collection of pressed flowers to, you have watched a YouTube tutorial on how to write in calligraphy, and you’ve purchased a vinyl record from Urban Outfitters before (probably either Neutral Milk Hotel or Lana Del Rey).
8. “Was a mermaid/vampire/hippie in another life~*~”
9. “Aficionado of [something very common and widely known].”*
Okay, so you’ve binge-watched all 7 seasons of Mad Men and looked up Jon Hamm on IMBd. Or you took a puff of a Cuban cigar one time. Or you once accidentally bought expensive, real red wine instead of Barefoot. Obviously need to slap that ish on your Twitter.
*Analysis excludes Hillary Clinton, whose Twitter bio includes “pantsuit aficionado” which is very much a fact.
Anytime someone pairs “nerd” in their Twitter bio with a photo icon of themselves wearing glasses, I automatically get $1 million in my bank account. The biggest obstacle you face in the dating world is having to continually re-type words in texts because autocorrect keeps capitalizing them and you want to come off timid, alternative, and casual.