1. Breakfast At Tiffany’s
You tell everyone that you absolutely are not interested in dating/romance/marriage, but secretly, you would love it if that guy in the apartment above you would just look at you when you’re pretending to be checking your mailbox downstairs at *coincidentally* the same time he comes home from work. You have almost, kinda replicated the opening scene of this movie, but with a modern twist: eating a quesadilla in bed while looking at Tiffany engagement rings on the internet at 3am.
Despite the fact that “Jaws” posters are still manufactured in modern day, the poster you own was purchased at some vintage-y shop so that it looks authentic and old. You only drink local beer from Whole Foods, have at one point expressed a desire to own a typewriter, and an astounding amount of your personal belongings are made out of hemp. You have never swam in the ocean. Obviously.
3. Any Woody Allen Movie
You have a guitar propped up in the corner of your room, and the only song you know how to play is “Wonderwall,” but for some reason that doesn’t stop you from playing it whenever people are over. You also own a record player from Urban Outfitters, a jar of loose leaf tea (purely for show, you actually just drink Lipton), and a fedora that you’ve never managed to make it out the door wearing because you get too embarrassed/nervous about what other people will think at the very last second.
4. Star Wars
You’re a hip nerd. You probably own high-waisted shorts, perpetually wear Converse sneakers, either plan on moving to or currently live in Portland.
5. Mean Girls
Oh my god. You talk about this movie as often as Buzzfeed makes references to it (read: an unnecessary amount). You have dressed up as a mouse (duh) for like seven Halloweens in a row. You have never seen Tina Fey in anything else, you refer to Amy Poehler as “Regina George’s mom.”
6. Human Centipede
Creepy, don’t know why you’d want to look at this more than once. Or even at all. Have you seen this movie? Do you know what happens? Why did you buy this poster?!??????
7. Animal House
You still wear your Greek letters and you have a specific set of friends that you refer to as ~The Guys~, and everyone within that circle only refers to each other by nicknames— “Big Dog,” “Dirty J,” “T-Money,” etc. The only table in your entire apartment is a ping pong table.
People have begged you mercilessly to STOP FUCKING QUOTING Borat at parties. Seriously, enough. WE’VE HAD ENOUGH. That movie came out in 2006, how is it possible you’re still acting like its culturally relevant?? Most of your jokes are ripped off from Dane Cook stand-up, you have a designated Macklemore playlist on Spotify, and you exclusively wear flat brimmed hats.
9. The Shining
You never hesitate in immediately believing any conspiracy theory you hear/read about. You still forward email chains (just in case), refuse to even look at a ouija board, secretly pray for the rare opportunity to share scary stories at a social gathering, and are always skeptical of identical twins. Reading Creepypasta gives you an immediate rush—like it’s literary heroin.
10. Pulp Fiction
You read way too much into everything. When you get high you like to discuss philosophy and ~life~, you’ve introduced yourself with a fake name on multiple occasions, and if anyone dares to want to get into to it and ask you, you have a definite opinion about what was in the briefcase.