1. “I see people my age…getting married to people they’ve known for like a year and a half. A year and a half? Is that enough time to get to know someone to know you want to spend the REST of your life with them? I’ve had sweaters for a year and a half and I was like ‘What the fuck was I doing with this sweater?’”
2. “You can’t call anybody anymore. If you call someone, they be like: ‘What? Are you on fire? Then quit wasting my time, text me that shit.’”
3. “When you hear a Flo Rida song at first you’re like, ‘What is this, Flo Rida? It’s the same thing you’ve always done. I’m not listening to this song.’ And then you keep hearing it and you’re like, ‘Oh my God, Flo Rida. You’ve done it again! This is a hit, baby!’ And that’s what people are like. People are like a Flo Rida song. You need to hear them a couple of times before you really get what they’re about.”
4. “I once met someone who found his wife by using Match.com and searching— and this is a direct quote— ‘Jewish and my zip code.’…that’s how I would go about finding a Wendy’s.”
5. “I’m in a situation with this girl that’s as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration.”
6. “My perfect date night: I pick you up. In my Kia Sorrento. You get in. There’s candles in the car. You go ‘Is that dangerous?” and I go, ‘Yes… but I like danger.’ We go to your favorite restaurant, and we have a fantastic meal. We come outside and we see my car’s on fire. You go, ‘Aziz, your car’s on fire. Aren’t you upset?’ I pull out a bag of marshmallows and I go, ‘No. I knew this was gonna happen.’ And then I kiss you. In front of my burning car.”
7. “If you’ve held someone you love and watched three to ten hours of a critically acclaimed drama, you’ve experienced the peak of human happiness.”
8. “One girl raved about a nice voice mail a guy had recently left her. I kindly requested she play it and heard this gem: ‘Hey, Lydia. It’s Sam. Just calling to say what’s up. Gimme a ring when you get a chance.’ THAT WAS IT.”
9. “How do we figure out when to call, when to text, and when to just drop everything, stand outside someone’s window, and serenade them with your favorite nineties R&B tune, perhaps ‘All My Life’ by K-Ci & JoJo?”
10. “Spend more time with people, less time in front of a screen, and—since we’re all in it together—be nice to people.”
11. “I love you, but today, part of me feels like I’m buying a Honda Accord.”
12. “If someone lies and says they are dating someone or they are moving to another town soon, you don’t feel rejected, because it’s no longer about you… So I guess what I’m saying is the next time someone asks you out and you aren’t interested, the nicest thing you can do is write back: ‘Sorry, can’t do dinner tomorrow. I’m leaving on a secret mission with the space program! When I return to earth, I will have barely aged at all, but you’ll be seventy-eight years old. I just don’t think it’s a good time for me.’”
13. “You know how we’ve been hanging out all the time, spending a lot of time together? I wanna keep doing that til you’re dead. Put this ring on your finger so people know we have an arrangement.”
14. “Sometimes there’s another reason that people take so long to text you back: They aren’t playing mind games or busy. They’re just GOOGLING THE FUCK OUT OF YOU.”
15. “Japan has not only a huge sex industry but also what some have dubbed a ‘relationship replacement’ industry that provides everything from ‘cuddling cafes’ (where clients pay for things like pats on the head, eye contact, and ear cleaning with a Q-tip) to full-on sex robots that are built to last for years. I never thought I would say this, but of those two things, having sex with a robot seems like the more reasonable option.”
16. “On that note, it is fairly common knowledge that nothing gets a girl more turned on than a bowling lounge. Between watching fat guys tossing bowling balls and the dulcet tones of The Simpsons arcade game, I can’t image those encounters not ending in a marathon boning session.”
17. “As a public figure, I have never considered doing any online dating. I always figured there was a chance someone who was a stalker type would use it as an opportunity to kidnap and murder me… Maybe my stalker (probably an Indian dude) sees my profile and thinks, Oh, here’s that comedian guy on OkCupid. FINALLY, I have a way to reach out to him and slowly plot his murder. He sends me a message pretending to be a woman. I see the profile. ‘She’ likes tacos and Game of Thrones. I’m very excited.” 
Read Aziz Ansari’s book Modern Romance here.
