1. Approach her confidently, giving off more alpha male vibes than a pre-stampede Mufasa.
2. Wait for her to approach you. Let her feel in control!
3. Tell jokes that rival Kraft in their cheesiness that’ll make her groan– but laugh.
4.Be as wry and dry as possible, impress her with your wit.
5. Listen to bands she’s never heard of.
6. Listen exclusively to rap.
7. Listen exclusively to second wave alternative rockabilly-soul.
8. Shower her with compliments until her pretty little head spins.
9. Make her work for it! Women like the chase.
10. Follow all these rules meticulously, completely disregarding the fact that there are approximately 3 billion women in the world, and just as many ways for people to connect with each other, as well as your natural charm, quirks, and appeal.
I mean, really. I don’t know who started the trend of taking the entire nuanced, unpredictable, wildly varied experience of attraction and paring it down into neat, exclusive lists, but I have a suspicion that they’re the same people who insist on putting out Christmas decorations before Halloween and lick their fingertips to turn pages. In any case, they’re selling you short, and you are too if you buy into the idea that there are a set list of behaviors and traits that make people desirable, and anything else you enjoy, believe, are–should be downplayed, swept under the rug. (But don’t get caught! Women LOVE men with clean rooms!) I’m one measly woman and I have been attracted to guys for their gentleness, their assertiveness, their thoughtfulness, their refusal to to take themselves too seriously, their goofiness, their intellect, their bad boy vibe, their take-home-to-motha-ness, their blue mohawk (who among us didn’t have a Good Charlotte phase?) their neatly shaved buzz cut (ever rubbed one of those?! It’s oddly therapeutic!), their blue eyes, their green eyes, their brown eyes, their cut physique, their adorable softness…and then I turned thirteen.
Ok but seriously, I average about five crushes a day, ten if I’m anywhere near a soccer field, and I’ve lived a mere 21 years. Multiply that by all the turn ons of all the heterosexual women on the planet, the way I never quite learned to when we covered algorithms in pre-algebra, and those lists start to look pretty ludicrous, eh? Sure, there are a few non-negotiables like kindness and respect, but otherwise, it’s fair game. (The fact that some women are, sadly, attracted to a lack of kindness and respect does not mean you should exploit that and use it as a strategy. And if it’s not a strategy, but who you are naturally, get thee to a nicery! And please don’t come back until you stop laughing at rape jokes and start giving up your seat for old people on the bus.)
Women, like people in general (crazy how that works!) like to be understood. It’s always great to click with someone who shares your sense of humor, common interests, similar values. We also like to be challenged. There’s nothing cooler than having a conversation with someone vastly different than you, but just as fascinating, and learning from each other’s divergent view points, except perhaps doing all of that while eating breakfast sandwiches. We like to agree, to disagree, to laugh, to think, to be flattered, to be bantered with, to pursue, to be pursued. Among a billion other things. So whichever of those sound most fun and authentic to you will work at some point. And you won’t lose yourself, or have to worry about embodying unattainable archetypes set out by asinine (and quite probably sexist) manuals, in the process. Most people have a type (get at me, tall dark Star Wars nerds!) but they’re not set in stone, or universally applicable across the board of broads.
Dating is crazy, attraction is crazier, but here are two certainties: There are plenty of awesome things about you. And there are plenty of women who will recognize that if they haven’t already. (Seriously though, having a clean room never hurts).