5 Things That Are Supposed To Be Romantic But Actually Aren’t At All

Note: This is written from the personal perspective of a cis hetero girl, but is by no means intended to be exclusive. Of course people of all genders and orientations get to contend with woefully misguided attempts at romance. (Lucky us!)
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1. Kissing in the rain.

What’s the worst part of kissing? Barring extreme cases like lips getting caught on braces (which is totally a thing, see Lewin, Katie, 8th grade grad dance, first kiss,) it’s the unwarranted wetness. So I know, let’s add even MORE moisture, of the cold and clammy variety. Or we could do this inside, where it’s warm and my bangs aren’t splitting down the middle like a total pervert. Some people insist kissing in the rain is an iconic romantic experience. But the rest of us think it feels like the angels are licking our face, like a million celestial overzealous frenching newbies.

2. Morning love (at least in the beginning).

This one might be a personal particularity but I defy you to find one person who looks and smells their best in the AM. If you do, congratulations, have all the bacon, coffee, and cronuts, and also YOU ARE A LIAR. Whether it’s a full monty self inflicted Brazilian shave or a simple swipe of deodorant, everyone’s got some sort of necessary morning grooming routine that transforms them from a crusty sleep monster into a functioning human being. Once I was seeing this guy who thought it was cute to drop by unexpectedly to wake me up. He probably anticipated an adorably tousled version of me, but surprise! My “just rolled out of bed” look I rock when we meet up for breakfast is actually the product of meticulous primping and oh hey, strands of my hair are clumped together with my own drool. Unless we’ve been dating or having sleepovers for 2+ months don’t come near me until I’ve had thorough access to mouthwash, a comb and a liter of diet coke. Also, head’s up, I sleep in period stained granny panties and an ancient enormous bible camp t-shirt that exclaims “I’m on a God adventure!” So there’s that.

3. In this vein, telling me I look better sans make-up.

No no NO. Somehow guys have gotten the erroneous idea that’s a touching platitude but this Drake-induced lie needs to be eradicated pronto. My face is my canvas and I don’t slave over it, braving break-outs and eyelash curler mishaps only to have my art dismissed so cavalierly. You are not an evolved male, you are a tourist at the Met in socks and sandals professing to prefer paint-by-numbers to Picasso. This is not a Bruno Mars video, my self confidence does not need to be bolstered, and I know darn well that I look amaaaaazing just the way I am, but I also spent the better part of the last 15 minutes essentially poking my own eyes with a smoky brown micro-weapon. Show a little goddamn appreciation, you philistine!

4. The pet name “baby.”

Now hear me out! I know everyone and their mother (ugh) has at some point either used or responded to this ubiquitous pet name. in fact, according to lovingyou.com it is the most common romantic nick name. Yes, somebody somewhere funded that study. (Sidenote: this website also hilariously reads, “The time has come to give your beloved a special title,” which, tell me that doesn’t call to mind a solemn and possibly satanic ceremony complete with hooded higher-ups, chanting, and perhaps a fair to moderate amount of goat’s blood.) But i encourage you to take a moment and think about the babies in your life. Sure, at their best, and for roughly four minute increments, max, they’re kind of cute, but they’re also, you know, BABIES. That depending on their mood scream in the grocery store (Yolo!) or look disarmingly unperturbed for someone sitting in their own poop. Literally nothing about them is romantic, and there is really no excuse for calling your significant other by a pet name reminiscent of diaper rash and spit up towels, especially considering the myriad alternatives– “Cool breeze” and “Yummy Wookie” (Thanks lovingyou.com!) among them.

5. This.

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