I need to tell you something. And I’m warning you, this might get mushy. Yuck.
What I need to tell you is that two weeks ago, I didn’t know what it meant to truly “love” someone. I’m not talking about family love or friends love, I’m talking about can’t-eat-can’t-sleep-can’t-think-about-anything-else-never-been-so-happy-before-what-have-I-been-doing-up-‘til-now-love. I suddenly understand how people can go crazy and why they want to tell everyone about their significant other, and why they want to hold hands, and why everything they do or say seems to revolve around this other person. Why they send them little gifts just because. Why they have private jokes and things that only each other know. Why songwriters can build an entire album out of emotions for one person. Why authors write books, pages upon pages about the things that someone else makes them feel because it is INSANE. It is something else, something new, and it is both scary and exciting. Maybe a lot of people wouldn’t think much of these feelings or thoughts, but I’ve never been in love before now. It’s a foreign feeling, like one of those acquaintances you’ve only met once so when you see them again you’re not sure if you should hug them or just say hi, because you don’t want to get ahead of yourself.
Everything is different now…in a matter of days I couldn’t even recognize myself, but in the best way possible. I didn’t know I could feel so much for someone, and for a long time I didn’t know if I ever would. But when your best guy friend of six years comes barging in with his words that make you feel like the most amazing person on this Earth, and his eyes and his laugh and his desire to make you happy, there’s really nothing you can do about it. I started to realize how much he truly cares for me…how it was never that way before but over time things had changed and he didn’t know what else to do except tell me how he felt and everything he said was beautiful. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. I was slowly falling in love with him. Then one night, I stayed awake as he fell asleep next to me. I looked at him sleeping there and knew I was done for.
Freshman year of college, one of my friends asked why I didn’t want to drink coffee. I told her it was because I didn’t want to be dependent on something to keep me awake. I never wanted to be one of those people that NEEDED their coffee. I didn’t like the idea of not being in control of my own body and feeling dependent on an outside source to feel complete. It might sound crazy but that need to be independent and self-sufficient carried over into my personal life as well. Because if you need someone else to be with you to feel complete, then what happens if they leave you? You are no longer “complete”. It is much easier to find something wrong with every guy you date than to let someone in and see how things go, right? Truth is, I don’t know the answer. But what I do know is that three years later, I fell in love with coffee, and I fell in love with my best friend.
“It just felt right” is overused but I really can’t put it another way. It felt like it should feel, how I’d imagined it would feel to be in love, but a million times better. To be able to look someone in the eyes and say something you’ve heard a billion times over, but actually know what it means now…it’s something I wouldn’t want anyone to miss out on.
So if you are like me and afraid to let go of your independence or desire to be all self-sufficient, or you are the best at finding flaws in your dates, or you are afraid of what someone might do with that half of your heart you’re handing over, I would take a chance. Start out slowly, maybe with some white chocolate mochas and other drinks that are basically sugary milk and a little espresso, and then slowly you might find yourself getting into the real stuff- the real stuff that will wake you up and cause you to question your sanity while simultaneously showing you what all the fuss is about, making you the happiest you’ve ever been.