We all have them. You spend the morning mentally checking off that you have all your belongings so you never have to see him again, because what’s worse than leaving your phone at someone’s house you just drunkenly hooked-up with? Doing all that, plus throwing up in his closet because you thought it was the bathroom. That’s worse.
Let’s fast-forward past the part where you awkwardly ended up at someone else’s place, and past the part where you drunkenly hooked up (you harlots can define that word for yourselves), getting to the part where your brain gives your body a two second warning that all the Vegas Bombs and Texas Teas you so proudly pounded the night before are coming right back up and into his closet. Problem #1: The Inevitable Puking. You just met this guy; you don’t know anything about him beside some bull he told you that night. And you just threw up in his closet. Not even his bathroom, his f-cking closet… his carpeted closet.
Then comes my personal favorite, the part where somehow he drags you back to bed and doesn’t even care that you threw up, much less where it is, and you begin to sober up as you sleep in some way-too-personal position for someone you met less than five hours ago. Problem #2: The Sober Awakening. You open your eyes for the first time and realize where you are. Also, you have to pee, but you quickly push that thought out of your mind, as you know there is no way you are going to nakedly untangle yourself from Mike/Mikey/Michael and try to find the bathroom. First of all, you could wake up Mike/Mikey/Michael and have to actually deal with him, and, second of all, what if there are video cameras? He may have taped whatever happened last night, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to catch you nakedly stumbling around his apartment looking for a place to pee. Not speaking from experience on the video camera thing, but after Lisbeth Salander, you can never be too careful.
So you think more about what happened last night, which brings Problem #3: He’s Actually Kinda Cute and A Nice Guy. Why is it that the first time you hook up with someone really nice after way too many drinks (okay, he may not be the first person you’ve drunkenly hooked up with, but he definitely is the sweetest), you never remember if the sex was good, or what his penis looks like, or how big it is? You try to look at him for the first time, tilting your head around to see if you can just get a little reminder, but the absence of light and the mass of sheets obscure your view. Stop it! You don’t even care. You just want to know so you can say that you know….
Which leads us to Problem #4: Lack of Memory. What if, last night, you said no to something that is totally normal? What if you said yes to some obscure position that only the freaks and geeks get down in? Mike/Mikey/Michael seemed normal, but you never know who secretly “collects” the neighborhood strays in his basement — or maybe he’s the guy that is normal, but attracts weirdos as friends. We all know that guy. He seems totally normal and average, probably kinda cute, too, but when you meet his friends, you suddenly find a collection of the weirdest people in the entire city. And that’s when you realize that he doesn’t understand how much better he is than them and he probably wasn’t attractive growing up because people who were attractive in middle school (by other middle schooler’s standards) aren’t awkward. They know how to handle themselves in all social situations. I’m so jealous. But I digress.
Somehow you manage to find your way back to your apartment and when you open your door, it looks brighter than it did yesterday. The air is cleaner, there is more light, you have gained so much more respect for your own place. There’s even a little bonus! Your roommate isn’t there right now! That has got to be the best feeling ever — but the worst feeling ever, an absolutely terrible hangover, follows it. You recover throughout your day, living your life and thinking that this is all behind you. Then, six months later, you walk into a gas station and see Mike/Mikey/Michael. Problem #5: The Inevitable Run-in. You think your eyes are deceiving you, but no, it really is him. You half-hug in a way that people feel obligated to. The small talk is awkward and your thoughts are so rapid, you don’t actually know what you just said. After you awkwardly walk away from one another, you think back to the night at his place and a thought that you’ve managed to suppress makes its way to the front of your mind. You remember that you peed yourself a little in his kitchen and realize that you should have been way more embarrassed when you saw him.