On September 9, 2014, Apple unveiled iPhone 6 — the latest tech toy that will be appearing on Christmas lists and delaying child support payments for the foreseeable future. With all the mind-blowing innovations Apple has developed for this latest product release, it may be difficult to keep track of all the new features that were announced. To help you better understand the functionality of iPhone 6, here’s all-inclusive list of everything this revolutionary gadget can accomplish.
1. iPhone 6 isn’t just bigger — it’s big enough to make you feel like an asshole carrying it around. The enormous 5.5 inch screen on the iPhone 6 Plus says, “I didn’t want to pay for an iPad.” Never again will you wonder what it feels like to hold a device that actually fits comfortably in your hand. Combining function with modesty, iPhone 6 Plus confirms that the days of women tucking their cell phones in their cleavages are finally over. Because the latest iPhone’s screen is too large for normal human thumbs to navigate, Apple has changed the functionality of the home button so your little thumbkin can actually reach the distant top row, but Apple still recommends putting all the lame apps you don’t use — such as Compass, Passbook, and Stocks — up there.
2. Elegant, groundbreaking, and state-of-the-art: these are all words you won’t be using now that iPhone 6 enables you to read 32% more of your Facebook timeline without scrolling. That translates to four super-late Ice Bucket Challenge videos, three mediocre baby photos, two inappropriate political tirades, and one engagement announcement.
3. Developing an iPhone with a larger screen meant taking a leap from the ordinary to the avant-garde, so Apple decided to make iPhone 6 seven-day-juice-cleanse thin. Measuring just 7.1mm (or 0.279528 inches for everyone who can’t visualize the tiny markings on the ruler that you’ve successfully ignored most of your life), iPhone’s thinnest profile yet means that iPhone could slide more easily slide into your pocket, but only if you’re the type of person who’s still wearing cargo pants, because it definitely won’t fit in any other normal pocket.
4. The sleek design using suave anodized steel, resilient stainless steel, unicorn tears, kitten whiskers, fairy marrow, and glass makes iPhone 6 a sleek gadget that appeals to moms, millennials, and object-sexuals alike.
5. Navigating through iPhone will be easier than ever before, but only after you get used to iOS 8, which, with any luck, will completely ruin your life like iOS 7 did when it was released. The brilliant Retina HD display will still give you creepy vibes like your smartphone is somehow siphoning all its power from the tissue that lines the inner surface of your eyeballs.
6. iPhone 6 boasts many features you never knew you needed before (and still don’t actually need). Touch ID technology means that you can securely access your phone using something only you have access to: your fingerprint. It’s more effective than any passcode unless you’re wearing gloves, you’re the killer who shaves off his fingerprints in the movie Se7en, or your iPhone gets stolen and someone cuts off your index finger so he or she can approve a bunch of purchases from the iTunes store using your severed digit. Apple predicts the finger-chopping scenario will appear in at least one movie by mid-2015.
7. Let’s not forget about Apple Pay, which pioneers a thrilling new challenge for identity thieves to compromise your credit and debit card information. You’ll be sure to remember how convenient it was using your phone to pay for your pumpkin spice latte when your malevolent barista funds his Jamaican getaway with your Visa. Thanks to Apple Pay, carrying around a traditional wallet has been rendered obsolete — unless of course you care about getting pulled over without your license, you like carrying some emergency cash, or you value having your medical insurance card on hand in the event something horrible happens to you (like your finger getting severed).
8. Lastly, Apple has completely revolutionized the iSight camera for iPhone 6. Now, even those who don’t get good sunlight in their homes will be able to take selfies that are 7% less grainy than they were before. Face detection has also been improved, which means iPhone is now less likely to read the oak trees in the very distant background of your photo as your actual face. Huge advancements were made in iPhone video technology, but since it’s still possible to make portrait videos — you know, those super narrow ones that make your eyes bleed when viewed on the computer? — no really cares about what they are.
I’m sure we’ll be hearing more about iPhone 6 as all those people waiting in Apple store lines for hours upon hours begin showing their fancy new gadgets to their friends. This Friday happy hour preening will conveniently give condescending Droid users plenty of time to explain how none of iPhone 6’s features are that new — information that might actually be compelling if it didn’t come off as the pathetic foot stomping of a woefully butthurt tech geek.