No matter how much you love and respect them, sometimes conversations with your parent(s) can drive you a little crazy, and there are a lot of rude, potentially disrespectful things that you’d be tempted to say if you were speaking to anyone other than the people (or person) who raised you. These are but a few of those selfish yet therapeutic remarks. (Sorry, parents. I’m sure you’ve got an even longer list of these for us, too.)
PS: Give your parent(s) a call today, or stop by for a visit. It’s probably been too long. They might be annoying, embarrassing, and a little insane sometimes, but they’re still awesome.
1. “I don’t think that story’s actually as interesting as you think it is.”
So, what you’re saying is that the eggs were on sale, but they weren’t advertised in the weekly circular? I have a deep respect for your money-saving sleuthing, but did I really need to hear about that?
2. “If the Internet had heard what you just said, you’d have to change your identity.”
Wait, WHAT!? No. Noooo, no no. Don’t ever say or even think that again.
3. “I’ve already explained to you how ______ works at least seven times, and if I explain it again part of me is going to die.”
Just because you’re using your debit card as credit doesn’t mean it turns into a credit card. We’ve been over this.
4. “You’re trippin’ right now.”
I highly doubt the ponytailed woman at the gym uses your favorite elliptical just because she knows it’s your favorite. Maybe it’s everyone’s favorite elliptical because it’s under the air conditioning vent.
5. “I know for a fact I never told you that.”
I’m not sure why you’re convinced I told you that texting was the same as email, but I’m about 237% certain I never told you that.
6. “Maybe you should just mind your own business.”
Oh, the neighbors got a new mattress delivered? Unless it’s a Sleep Number, which we could use to judge their current financial situation, this isn’t any of your concern.
7. “How is it that can you remember the reputation of one of my classmates from 15 years ago, but you can’t figure out the App Store?”
Yeah, mom, I vaguely remember “that Jimmy Thompson boy.” He was a troublemaker. Good thing he moved away in fourth grade. What do you mean you can’t update Candy Crush?
8. “We have the Internet now, why are you asking me this?”
Why would I know where you can buy open-toed, wide-width sandals that aren’t made using leather? This is why Google exists.
9. “I have absolutely no intention of taking that advice.”
I probably should keep a little sweater at work for when I get cold, but then what would I have to complain about?
10. “That’s nice, but let’s go back to talking about me.”
I totally want to hear about your day, but could I finish talking about myself and my non-problems for 10-20 more minutes first?
11. “Are you really getting mad about that?”
I was just trying to explain that you can also use your charger to connect your phone to the computer; now I’m out of the will?
12. “Nope, you’re wrong.”
Explain to me again what the cashier’s age and nose piercing has to do with the fact some jerk pushing a stroller cut you in line at Macy’s?
13. “I’ve already heard this story.”
This anecdote stopped being interesting after the third time I heard it, which happened to be when I was 9. Did you notice how I interrupted you and summarized the rest of the story so you could stop telling it? No? Okay, just keep going.
14. “Maybe you did tell me about that, but I wasn’t listening.”
Sorry I forgot that you mentioned you have a plumber coming out next weekend, but I need that space in my brain for memorizing song lyrics and storing potential tweets.
15. “Unless you can confirm you’ve tried turning it off and turning it back on, I refuse to help you with your latest technological woes.”
Life is too short for this mess.