1. You think the Earth was made in six days.
2. Your grandfather was in the KKK.
3. You’ve been date raped at Duke, UNC, and NC State.
4. You’re diabetic.
5. You use the term “anchor baby.”
6. You would vote for Jesse Helms’s corpse.
7. You think global warming is a vegan conspiracy.
8. You really believe it’s heritage, not hate.
9. You have a We Still Pray bumper sticker on the back of your truck.
10. You think atheism is weird and snake handling is normal.
11. Your NPR tote bag is an NRA tote bag.
12. You’d go gay for Pat McCrory.
13. You took a school field trip to a tobacco plant.
14. You think the local paper mill smells like money.
15. You won’t shop at Ingles because you’re against immigration.
16. Your school mascot was a Confederate general.
17. You buy weed from this guy.
18. You think gay marriage caused the Oklahoma tornado.
19. There are 14 microbreweries in your city but you still drink Bud Light.
20. You think South Carolina is ignorant.
21. You’ve never eaten a meal with someone of a different race.
22. You are terrified of Asheville…
23. … but more so of Durham.
24. Your first cousins are married. To each other. Legally.
25. You think the General Assembly can stop sea levels from rising by ignoring it.
26. You’ve never heard of Thomas Wolfe but you love Petey Pablo.
27. You’ve slept with James Van Der Beek…
28. … and John Edwards.
29. You think Cheerwine comes from a vineyard.
30. You are related to someone who owns a lawn jockey.
31. Art Pope co-signed your Governor’s home loan.
32. Your favorite artist is George W. Bush.
33. You were conceived at Bible camp.
34. You think Barack Obama is socialist/Muslim/Kenyan/the Devil.
35. You have a ‘Run, Eric, Run’ t-shirt