I’d Rather Lose You Than Lose Myself

I hadn’t intended to make this all about you. Or all about us. Whatever we were, whatever we are, whatever we may be. It’s just that the thought of you is so thoroughly and exhaustively embedded in nearly every memory I have from the past year.

One moment we can be so synchronized, so connected and so harmonious. Then the next, it’s as if there was never a spark, never any chemistry, never a feeling that struck us differently than most. The contrasting and cyclic dynamic that we created in the past nine months has left me to become a woman seemingly incapable of standing on her own two feet and making her own decisions.

I can’t see myself letting this go. Letting you go. There is no doubt in my mind that you are a lesson that I will fully learn and appreciate one day in the future. But right now, you are my challenge. You are the troubling thought that floods the caverns of my mind at night, in the early morning and at midday.

There is no solution to this challenge you’ve presented me with, because either way, I lose. I either lose you or I lose myself.

I’m still trying to figure out whether losing you is actually such a bad thing. I’ve lived without you before we met, and I’m sure I can live without you once more. It’s foolish to me that feelings are what’s holding me captive in this whirlpool of tears and arguments as unpredictable and destructive as tidal waves.

I want to be done with you. I want no connection to the person you’ve become, the cold and heartless shell of the man I once admired. If only it were that simple. If I was as emotionless and careless as you are today, it would not phase me to end this cycle.

But because I feel so deeply and have become so invested, leaving you would do more than phase me. I know myself. My days would consist of going through the motions and trying to make it through each day without reaching out to you. Each day without your voice or your touch would numb me.

I hate to think you could be the reason why I lost who I used to be. In fact, I’m viewing this whole experience as a lesson. You taught me so much more about myself. Leaving you for those brief weeks showed me that yes, it will hurt.

Yes, there will be constant reminders of you around me. Yes, I will cry and miss you so deeply that my body will ache.

But they also showed me that I will prevail. I will continue forward. I will continue to search for myself in the reflection of others. I will continue to succeed and bring joy to those around me. I will continue to be open to allowing people close to my heart. I will continue trying to remain optimistic about what my future holds, no matter how difficult things may become for me.

This was not supposed to be all about you. It was not supposed to be all about us. But because of us, I was able to grow. I am thriving now. If I see you on the street one day, I’ll give you a small smile before I turn my chin upward and continue walking past you.

You are simply a lesson. There is no use in appealing to the idea that you were my first love or anything of the sort. The feelings we once shared were real at some point, but our lines were disconnected and we lost touch.

Throughout the time we spent together, I realized more about myself than I learned about you. I still don’t know what your honest aspirations are. I still don’t know you.

I’d usually let something as brutally honest as that hurt me, but it’s the bitter truth. I think we both crossed paths back in August of last year to grow as individuals, to sort out what we want from what we need, and to discover who we are meant to be on our own.

I’ll always have love for you, but only because you taught me to love myself first.