It’s Not That I Didn’t Love You

Bianca des Jardins
Bianca des Jardins

It’s not that I didn’t love you. Actually, I loved you a lot. More than words can describe. I know that sounds cliché and unrealistic. But it’s the truth.

I loved you so much that that’s why I had to leave you. It broke my heart in two hearing your voice for the last time. Hearing you call me baby and telling me you loved me. Knowing that soon you would just be ten months of my life that I could never get back. That you would just be a memory attached to the sea of pitiful faces and sad eyes looking back at me. I hate that you’re gone and I feel like a piece of me has gone with you. I cry all the time at stupid things but am too embarrassed to let anyone see my pain. I feel stuck again. But not stuck in the way you made me feel. Just stuck in the sense of what do I do now that you aren’t here?

I thought blocking your number from my phone, deactivating my Facebook, and adopting a new kitten would help me forget you. But in the past ten months, you’ve weaved through every part of me. I see you in my home, at my work, in my apartment, at my church. I can’t ever shake you from my brain. I think about you everyday and I want to scream but then I just want to feel your arms around me one more time. To hear you say you love me. I remember every word to every song you ever wrote me, or ever sang to me. Listening to the radio just makes me want to cry or throw things. I can’t explain how I feel or why, but I know it’s because of you.

Everyone tells me that it was for the best leaving you. That it was only going to get worse. Part of me doesn’t want to believe that. I wanted to believe that you weren’t always going to be that way. That the fun days we had were going to become more and more and that the bad days would be less and less. But everyone around me knew that wouldn’t happen. I chose to ignore them and tell them they were wrong. That you weren’t the person they said you were.

You promised me forever. And I promised you the same. That we would have adventure and happiness just like our grandparents. You told me I deserved to be treated like a queen. You wanted a future with me and I saw a future with you. I promised myself long ago I would never do that. Never think about the future but just live in the present, but you didn’t let me. You felt that the future was much better than the present.

“I told you about my past, thinking my future was you.” But you hated my past. You hated what I did. You failed to recognize that that wasn’t me anymore. I wasn’t that girl anymore. I was forgiven by someone much bigger and stronger than you.

The more in love with you I fell, the more controlling you got. You stopped liking my friends and thinking that you were better than them. You hated when I would be myself and would convince me that I was doing something that a whore would do. I became afraid to live life. To be the person I knew I was created to be. You put me in a box by putting a ring on my finger and I was about to let you tape it shut.

I didn’t not love you. I loved you like I’ve never loved someone before. I was going to spend forever with you. But I had to go. I needed to be me again and you needed to be you.
As much as I will try, I will never forget you and never not love you. You were part of me.
But I’ll move on and become the person I am meant to be. And that is my hope for you.
I didn’t not love you. Please, remember that. TC mark

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