The Guide To Breaking Up With Guys Before Or After You’ve Actually Started Dating Them

If you’re like me, you approach dating with the same skeptical eye that one would use in, say, apartment hunting. Unless you’ve got full A/C, a washer-dryer unit ON site, and live on a tree-lined street next to all major attractions including but not limited to Trader Joes, CVS, and hiking/some sort of nature, I’m sorry but I just cannot justify paying the funds to move in with you. And by move in, I mean date you. Allow me to explain.

I know that nobody is perfect (or so I’m told). I definitely am not (or so I’m told). But because I am both tragically self-aware and painfully whimsical with an ongoing fear of feeling emotionally and/or physically trapped, I often conduct my dating life as if I am apartment hunting, but without the appropriate funds to move in. Makes no sense, right?  What’s the point of even looking, if you know you’re not ready to move?  Shouldn’t you get to a place with yourself and your money in which you can ACTUALLY begin to seriously consider people/apartments? (#praying that this apartment metaphor lasts the entire article).

The trick is, in any game you’ve gotta get a lay of the land. The terrain. The dicks. The neighborhoods. But in doing so you’ve also got to say no to a lot of people, shows, dicks, and apartments. (Ok, at this point I literally cannot choose a consistent noun for comparison, so pick whatever works for you.  I don’t know if I’m a TV exec, real estate agent, porn star, or actual human being but please…. continue on).

A lot of people often tell me, or shout out at me: “KATIE, WAKE UP!! Your “ideal” guy/apartment/tv show does not exist – you can live anywhere and learn to see the beauty around you, and there are stories everywhere! The Disney rhetoric of finding THE ONE has got you going in circles.” Awesome! I’ve never thought of that! Maybe I am just a GYPSY (insert link to “WHY GEN Y YUPPIES ARE UNHAPPY article from “Wait But Why”). But to me, it’s a little more complicated than that. Granted, I may be the one complicating it…but still – it’s complicated. Stay with me.

I have zero (immediate) dreams of wanting to marry someone and find “The One,” and I am probably the first to announce that “THE ONE” IS just a nebulous concept that has been created in due part by the images and stories of our idealistic American pop culture. YET – I have not lost hope. And neither should you.

It’s kind of funny, if you think about it. We all want to re-create that feeling of warmth and comfort we experienced so long ago in our mother’s wombs, right? Isn’t that why you want a partner? To feel challenged and understood, but above all else, to feel SAFE in some sense?  Alright maybe not. Listen I can’t answer all these questions. I’m not really sure I was ever in a womb. (I’m an alien). However, I DO have dreams of at least finding SOMEONE who wants to dig in to all of this (*motions towards the above paragraphs, as well as my current physical entity and essence*). YEAH I SAID ESSENCE.

SOOOOOO. In between ordering semi-dry double soy cappuccinos and being late for yoga, I’ve managed to compose a guide to breaking up with guys, before or after you’ve actually started dating them, for girls like me: you want a man /don’t need a man (Thanks, Kirko Bangz!) and you’re constantly on the hunt for that #truth #clarity #redemption #starquality.

Happy House Hunting!

THE GENERIC PASS

Andrew – After much contemplation, I wanted to get back to you and let you know that I won’t be able to go on any more dates with you at this moment. While I really responded to your witty remarks about your fantasy baseball league, I am actually the furthest from a baseball fan, which makes it impossible for me to even imagine sitting next to you at a Dodgers game wearing matching hats. I hope that you’ll keep me posted on the progress of your fantasy team, at least for entertainment’s sake, as well as keep in touch with me in general – I am not ruling out the potential of going on one more date with you, at least to decide after some free Sangria that it’s probably not going to work out, for real this time. But thank you!

THE ‘CORE PRODUCT’ PASS

David – Unfortunately, I still won’t be able to get involved with you beyond random hookups, as my life is so busy right now that I just cannot fathom the idea of cancelling preexisting plans to sit next to you at Elysium. At this time, I’m really focusing on the development of my core self (i.e. big life transitions, i.e. I just bought a year-long membership at Soul Cycle). But for whatever it’s worth, I think there is merit to the stories and images of yourself that you’ve presented. You’re a great guy capable of fulfilling someone’s need for constant attention – just not mine. To be frank, after our dinner date, I just didn’t get the impression that you would be important enough to allow me to justify skipping spin class. I continue to admire the passion that you bring to your dating life, and I wish you the best of luck as you pursue the prospect of your potential girlfriend.

THE ‘YOUR TALENT SUCKS’ PASS

In terms of your performance Rick, I am actually still continuing to suss out all my options. It is a conversation that I’m having both with my parents and my therapist right now. Unfortunately, I must be candid and let you know that the performance you gave during the last two times we had sex was a little sub-par. Might I suggest being more open to dialogue and experimentation next time? While my life coach is pushing in a different direction, I would not say that I have officially ruled you out.  Your make-out skills and subtle musk of honey and firewood will keep you in my phone for occasional drunken and desperate nights. I will keep you posted.

THE ‘YOUR SHOW IS TOO SMALL FOR US’ PASS

Incredibly sorry for the delay in my response, Brad. I actually discussed your talents last night with my roommates, and my best friend gave me the mandate that I can no longer entertain sexual encounters with guys who have less than a 7inch dick (I once hooked up with someone who was a 5 on a good day, and almost fell asleep). All my neighbors seemed to respond to your loud dirty talk though, and there was a lot of discussion about the use of cheap thrills and force. Therefore, while I cannot continue to hookup with you, one of my neighbors may be interested.  Keep me posted in terms of your interest in meeting my neighbor Shelly (she’s a Scorpio).

THE ‘COMPANY MANDATE’ PASS

Hey Zach – at this time, the Katie Felber mandate is really to focus on existing internal ideas and guys who I’ve been friends with for at least 6 months. My therapist has been pretty adamant about limiting the new guys I take on to my rotation, especially if we were to partner with outside producers and start participating in game night at Shannon and Ted’s place. Obviously, they love you and think that you’re super creative, it’s just that I don’t think we have any chance of even winning game night, since we literally just met. It would probably take at least a couple months for you to start understanding my jokes, and truthfully, seeing as how you didn’t laugh at my goat jokes, I don’t think there’s much hope. Try back next year!

***How interesting is this story to you?

If you answered “VERY”, congratulations, you’re just as psychotic as me.

If you answered “somewhat”, great work! You are emotionally stable enough to separate fact from fiction and are probably genuinely enjoying a craft beer with a stranger from OKCupid as we speak.

If you answered “not interesting at all, Katie you’re a stupid and resentful bitch who will never find love,” most likely you’re the one who’s jaded and stuck in a less than satisfactory relationship and unwilling to take the time to examine your inherent values. In fact, you probably stopped reading at “bitch,” and are currently headed to Yogurtland in your pajamas with your significant other, after which point you will go home and have disinterested sex as repeats of “Two and a Half Men” drone on in the background.

**OR: You’re Happy