I have always been told that you are your own worst enemy. I’ve found that to be very true these past couple of days. I’ve been fighting myself so hard on something that should be very easy. Why? Because so long I have been taught that I am so undeserving and I’m sure many of you have felt the same way at some point in life.
I will never understand why I let so many people walk on what I’ve created. The hopeless romantic dream I’ve always wanted has so many footprints engraved in it that I myself have a hard time picturing what I want it to be. Due to that being my own fault, I can’t blame anyone else.
I’ve carried the very people that hurt me and I have allowed them to destroy my definition of love.
If you’re anything like me, when you meet someone who shows you how deserving you are, the only reaction you know is to fight that feeling, and that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. I haven’t allowed myself to fully be vulnerable out of the fear of failure. It’s actually amusing when you sit and think about it.
I never question the ones that end up hurting me, but I always question the ones that are good for me.
In doing so they get pushed away and I’m left alone wondering what could have been. I refuse to let that happen again and so should you. This is for the back-and-forth girls. This is for me.
We’ve been taught our whole lives that meeting someone is so easy, that when you find your true love it’s going to be petals and roses. Well, news flash. It’s not something that’s easy. Especially for us back-and-forth girls. We’ve spent so much time wishing for love but pushing it away every single opportunity we get. Why? Because it scares the crap out of us and guess what? That’s perfectly okay. Love is something that is hard and I for one would rather meet someone and slowly work up to that point of comfort than to meet someone and fall completely head over heels for him. That’s where you get in trouble. Because I’ve done that.
I had my taste at love at first sight and after crashing and burning, I realized it was nothing more than lust at first sight. I mean really, this guy could have trash talked me all night and I still wouldn’t have been able to pick my jaw up off the floor. He was gorgeous and I fell in “lust” with his appearance. I never took the time to get to know him. Once I did, I hated what he was. I hated his heart. I realized he was foul and our souls didn’t connect.
Now, here I am with one of the most amazing men I’ve ever met and I can’t seem to grasp the fact that this is something serious. The reason I can’t is because I keep letting go, then trying to grab at it again (hence the term back-and-forth girl). I fear the idea of completely letting myself go to a good man. Why is that? I guess because the idea of being with someone short term is fun. You get all the excitement and rush of falling for someone then soon it’s gone so you can go back to being single. It’s like a never-ending cycle of roller coasters but it’s okay because you know what’s at the end once the ride stops.
But what happens when you allow your self to fall in love? When you’re finally with someone who bends over backwards for you and actually loves you? That roller coaster never ends. It’s constant excitement. You’re happy. Whoa. Yeah. YOU are happy. So, why does that scare us? Why does that scare me? I’ve accepted the fact that I have finally met a good man. I mean, a really good man. You should just try that. Accept and let go of all those thoughts. Just live with the fact that your time has come to be happy.
Lastly, I’ll explain why that “back and forth, wishy-washy” feeling the good guy is giving you is a good thing. Commitment. Yes. That 10-letter word is the reason you want to run! But I’m telling you – don’t do it. Don’t run away from a feeling that scares you. Facing your fears is the first step to overcoming this crazy life. Don’t wish for love and then push it away. Don’t go back and forth with the idea of being with someone who connects to your soul and not just your heart. It is okay to be the back-and-forth girl because that feeling alone should make you realize you are falling in love.