Most parties, after a breakup, tend to think that everything is their fault. They are not good enough and that is why every hint of something that could be usually ends up in flames.
People blame themselves. If only they were thinner, if only they were less needy, if only they hadn’t trusted someone, if only they had kept their walls up, if only.
Here’s the thing: I knew it was a bad idea from the start. I knew, going into it that things would end badly. You were far away, I didn’t necessarily know where I was going to end up when I graduated, we only knew each other in the context of you visiting; it just wasn’t a recipe for success.
So if I already knew that it was going to end badly, why did it hurt me so much when it really did end in that exact fashion? We were not dating. We were never exclusive. We were never anything that would suggest I should end up getting this hurt this quickly.
Pain is one emotion that plagues most when things end in a disastrous fashion, but I believe the questions that come after are the hardest part of dealing with the end of any form of relationship with someone. Questions like, why did you visit me? You knew all along that this wasn’t going to turn into something real, so why make the trip?
Why say things like, “I miss you”? Rule number one of any healthy relationship: don’t lie.
Why make it abundantly clear just how much you liked someone? Looking back on my response of “Don’t make me regret saying this,” I regret every conversation and every moment we had together.
Why did you bother talking to me? Why did you bother doing any of this when you knew all along it wasn’t going to be anything?
These are the questions that plague the minds of those who have just been told they are not worth taking the plunge. It is crueler than the inevitable tears that are cried, pain that is felt and shock that everyone experiences.
They say the first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem. When it comes to people, I like to think that the first step is admitting that you’re not okay. That someone ripped up your heart and made you feel like you were worthless.
The second step in recovery is consideration. Consideration that it is not all about you, that there are more people being affected by this. Again, with relationships between people I like to think of this moment as the moment when you realize it is not all “woe is me.” There are so many other people being affected by this feeling every day: you are not alone in feeling like this. Consider the other person. So I wasn’t the girl for you. You weren’t the person I was supposed to end up with. One day I will find someone I am supposed to be with and they won’t do this to me. They will not make me feel worthless. And when you call me, like I know you will, begging to have a second chance I’ll laugh in your face.
People can hurt you. People will let you down. At the end of the day, you are so worth it and you are worthy of being loved by someone who really cares about you. Not someone that thought the sex was good and couldn’t get laid in their home state, so they had to travel eight hours to do so. Not some person who you date for years and move in with who ends up being abusive. Not someone who makes you feel anything less than butterflies.
I believe it is more than a five-step program; it is a lifelong program. Maybe you have a different set of steps that you take when something like this happens; that’s okay. Don’t be scared to admit that you fell and got hurt. Eventually, someone will value you for yourself. Someone will pick you up when you fall. And if that doesn’t happen, you need to love yourself enough to pick yourself up when you fall, pour some alcohol on your bleeding self, put a band-aid on and begin to heal.
Do not give up. No matter how many times you’ve been let down, know that it will all work out. It will be okay. And maybe, just maybe, the next time you take that leap of faith, the person will turn out to be the right one.