It scares me when you call. It freaks me out because there is nothing more I want than to answer the phone and hear you say all the things you couldn’t say to me. But I know if I answer, all I’ll get is a drunk dial. All I’ll get is you asking if I want to come over. So I can’t answer your calls. I can’t. Do you understand the pain you have put me through the past year? Year. Not a week, or four months, or even two months, but the past twelve.
I have cried over you so much it feels like part of a daily routine. I cannot believe people when they compliment me because I am terrified they are lying to my face. I’m afraid to ever fall for someone again because they’ll leave me in the blink of an eye. And I’ll have to go through this all over again. Do you know the horrible things you’ve yelled at me? The back and forth tug-of-war you play with me because you’re bored? Because I do.
And you know what else I remember? How I loved you for you. I loved you unapologetically, without any fear, and was incredibly happy with you. She was concerned that you didn’t wear expensive enough clothing. I loved being able to pick something out for you to wear in the morning. I thought you were talented, and incredible, and the fact you chose to spontaneously write a novel made me happy for you, because you were clearly very interested in it. I threw myself wholeheartedly into loving you, and I was met with a sharp, unexpected, twelve-foot wall.
So I put up my own walls now. I don’t ever let anyone tell me they might like me. I don’t let anyone get close. I go in the bathroom to cry and don’t come out until I look picture perfect again. I make self-deprecating jokes because it’s easier to do that than to admit I’m petrified no one will ever truly love me. I go to hook up with other guys and the minute they try and compliment me, I have to physically shush them. Do you know how screwed up that is? I can’t take a compliment anymore. From anyone. I build a fifty-foot wall before I’ve even said hello.
It’s not just there. It’s been a year and I’m finally developing real feelings for someone else, and that scares the crap out of me. I’m scared he knows that I like him. I’m frightened that if he knows, he has power over me and therefore has the power to do to me what you did all over again. And I know I’m screwing myself over with this, because he’s unlike anyone I’ve met, and he’s nice and smart and entirely too good for me. But I can’t do anything about it. I’ve got rules because of you. Keep your walls up.
I can’t take this game you want to play. You want me to be available when it’s convenient for you. And I may be putting up walls and trying to guard myself but I will make sure that no matter how much I want to, I will never go by your agenda again. If you’ve taught me one thing, it’s that I have to operate on my own schedule, because you’re never going to fight for me.
So, make up your mind. If you want me, really start fighting for me. Don’t pretend. And if you don’t, please. Stop calling.