It’s taken me 433 days to finally realize that my relationship with my ex is not the same as Carrie and Big’s relationship on Sex and The City.
I used to think that because he left me for another girl, spent the summer having casual sex with me, went back to an old girlfriend in the fall, and then called me drunk sometimes when it didn’t work out with her, that our “love” was equal to something on television. I used to think that it could only mean we’d be getting back together, even after all of the fighting, and the games, and the insults he had thrown my way. I used to think, “It must be fate. We have to keep coming back to each other. Eventually, he’ll fall for me again.”
The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do is admit to myself that he doesn’t love me. And that he probably never did. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do is admit that he prefers someone else to me, and if I’m okay with it or not, I have to accept that. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do is watch him go back to what’s safe and easy. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do is say no to his 12am invitation to come over when I wanted to say yes.
My whole life has been about believing in love. Believing that no matter what, there is someone out there for everyone and that life doesn’t stop or end because the person you love doesn’t love you back. It hurts like nothing else will. There is not a single day I don’t wake up and think about him. Since we’ve broken up, I have been consumed with either being with him, or making him jealous, or making sure I win over the girl he left me for.
The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do is look at reality and tell myself it isn’t a fairy tale. Not everyone gets a happy ending. And I might just be one of those people that don’t get one. That sucks to hear, and it sucks to say, but it’s something I finally had to tell myself. He has made me cry so many times I’ve lost count, and in the end, do those happy moments really win out over the things he’s yelled at me? How he’s looked at me point blank and said, “No, you’re not better than her,” and how he’s called me awful things, and told me everything we do has to be a secret? Those happy moments are not worth the bad ones. And I hate myself for finally having to say it, because it means I’m giving up on him.
The hardest thing I will ever do in my future is let him go. The hardest thing I will ever do is telling him we cannot be around each other ever again. The hardest thing I will ever do is to delete his name, his number, and his memory from my life. I have yet to do these things. I have yet to do them because I am so terrified of what will happen when I finally get out of the cage I’ve locked myself in.
Because after all this time, that fairytale effect of Carrie and Big and happily ever after still haunts me.