Being single is hard. But it’s even harder for women, because everything is. Here are a few reasons why being a single gal is so annoying:
1. Watching couples hold hands.
Ugh, the worst. And it gets even worse after you follow them home and watch them kiss through their open window. And worse still after you bribe the doorman to let you into their apartment so you can press a glass against their bedroom door to listen for other sexual noises. I mean, can’t they keep their hands off each other for like one second? So gross.
2. There’s no one to tell you that you look smokin’ hot.
Or that the bottom of your jacket has caught fire and that it’s quickly spreading. Or that all of your hair and eyebrows have been burnt off and your entire body is engulfed in flames. Seriously, how are you not noticing any of this?
3. Internet Dating.
Internet dating is so hard. It’s like dating some kind of emotionless but incredibly complex machine. The conversations? So boring! Just meaningless 1’s and 0’s. And most of the time, there’s no real connection at all, especially if you forget to pay your Comcast bill.
4. There’s no one to help you reach stuff in high places.
When you become single, the creepy gnome on stilts who lives in your kitchen cabinets mysteriously disappears. Will he reappear? If so, where? Some say at the end of a rainbow, others say in prison where he belongs…but who knows. Until then, the pickles you store in space will remain untouched.
5. Valentine’s Day.
Need I say more? You won’t be getting any hearts in the mail this year. Except for the one with the knife through it that you receive every year from your prisoner (gnome?) pen-pal, along with a cute note that says “you’re next.”
6. Not getting to have sex all the time.
When you’re in a relationship, you can have sex whenever and wherever you want. Like lunchtime on a work day, after an intense yoga sesh, in the middle of a church service, during an important job interview, at Thanksgiving in front of your horrified parents, or even when you’re running out of oxygen thousands of miles under the sea. If you’re single though, you can say goodbye to that crazy, sexy, cool lifestyle for good.
7. Opening jars.
When you’re a single gal, your hands dissolve and your jars multiply. It’s simple math. I could try to explain it to you, but since you’re a girl, why even bother?
8. There’s no one to help you kill the huge spider in your room.
Ewww, so gross! There’s also no one to help you kill your mean boss, your icky co-worker, your annoying neighbor, or random strangers on the street just for the thrill of it. As a single gal you probably couldn’t even convince anyone to help you violently club Nancy Kerrigan’s knee just weeks before her pivotal 1994 Lillehammer Winter Olympics ice skating performance. Ugh, does a girl have to do everything herself?!?
9. Not knowing if you’re even alive.
It’s almost impossible to tell whether you are currently alive or dead without a boyfriend or husband there to constantly check your pulse and other vital signs. In fact, you’ve probably been dead this whole time, wandering around in the no-man’s land between life and death, totally creeping out the few children and dogs who are somehow still able to see your ghostly presence. So annoying!