With the job market slowly gaining momentum, people all over the country are starting new jobs in new places, taking on new responsibilities, and revealing their personality disorders to terrifying new strangers. In this new world, standing out from the crowd and making an impression is important. But if a “good” impression just isn’t your thing, another way to get noticed in the workplace is to take on the title of the office weirdo.
But earning that title takes more than simply being the guy with the cliché toupe or cliché glass eye or cliché facial nipple. In today’s competitive office environment, you’ll have to step it up by trying something creative:
- Steal all pictures of coworker’s children and replace them with pictures of you in the exact outfits and poses the children are in. If questioned, bite.
- Write “mother’s breast milk” onto the side of a milk jug and bring it to work. Let coworkers see you pour it into your cereal.
- On “bring your daughter to work day,” bring six female cats.
- Every time you send someone an email, immediately walk over to that person’s desk and let them know you have sent them an email. Then elaborate on the contents of that email. This isn’t necessarily weird, but it is annoying, and will definitely get you noticed.
- Over the course of a few months, eat your entire desk.
- Every day for lunch, microwave fish. If anyone complains about the smell, tell them you don’t like it either, but your doctor put you on a special diet, and that its just the way human meat smells when it’s heated up.
- When being introduced to a new client, kiss them on the forehead like you would a child, then immediately punch them in the stomach.
- Every Friday, send out an all-staff email offering to be a sperm or egg donor for anyone looking to start a family. If anyone brings it up in person act like they’re crazy, but continue to follow-up via email.
- If you find any food in the office fridges labeled “do not eat,” chew it up and spit it back into its original container.
- Every night, leave a plate of cookies on your desk along with a Christmas list addressed to Santa. Include things like waterproof tarps, rope and odorless poisons on your list.
- Take your clothes off in the bathroom and place them in the toilet. Tell people who enter the bathroom that you are “just doing your laundry.” If questioned, bite.