People in their late 20s are often terrified of turning 30. But really, age is just a number, and turning 30 is no big deal. Except for these horrible things that immediately happen to your body on your 30th birthday:
1. You go gray. And not just hair. Fingernails, teeth, skin, and eyeballs also go gray. Dust to dust isn’t metaphorical. When you turn 30 your body literally turns into dust.
2. You get that old person smell. On your 30th birthday, instead of sweating, your pores start to secrete vegetable stew, even if you haven’t eaten any. It’s science.
3. Your achy joints begin to predict the weather. No need to check the forecast anymore, now your arthritic hip will let you know when it’s going to rain. It can also give you stock tips, read minds, and help you solve difficult sudoku puzzles. Hips are very useful in old age.
4. College kids start to look really small. Not even the size of children, but barely the size of ants. You start to notice it takes about six of them just to carry a leaf, and if you leave out any food in your kitchen you’ll be annoyed to find it covered in college kids by morning. When you turn 30 you’ll have to start leaving out poison to prevent property-damaging infestations.
5. If you’re a woman, and unmarried, your uterus explodes.
6. And on that note, your boobs also melt when you turn 30. They just slide right off your body. So if you ever see a woman over 30 who still has boobs you can be sure they’re not real. She’s probably just stuffing her bra with uncooked chicken breasts or bags of vegetable stew.
7. If you’re a guy, you probably think you’ll have to start using Viagra. But you won’t. On your 30th birthday your penis turns into a boob. Then it immediately melts.
8. Body hair starts growing in weird places. Like your nose, ears, eyelids, under your bed, inside your toilet, on top of every piece of food you eat, and all over your pets.
9. Your mind isn’t what it used to be. When you turn 30 your brain turns into a gel and starts leaking out your ears.
10. When you look in the mirror, you’ll see a skeleton staring back at you. Basically, 30-year olds never remember to take down Halloween decorations. Turning 30 is so scary.