I’m sure all of us have noticed the recent trend of internet lists. You know what I’m talking about: “10 Reasons Why Summer Is the Best,” “15 Ways That Mornings Suck,” and the most popular are always, “Some Random Number About How A Man Should Do Something To Or For A Woman.”
I’m not so sure what spiked the popularity of these lists. Is it because we’re all too lazy to read an entire article and a list just sums it up for us? Or, possibly, because at least one of those things is always so blatantly obvious that we end up saying, “O-M-G! That is totes me and exactly how I want my dream-boo to be!” I’m definitely guilty of reposting some of the funny ones about best friends because, well, sometimes I am too lazy to read an entire article, and sometimes it does “totes remind me of my besties.” However, almost all of the ones that I run across about relationships and what a woman wants just make me want to smack some people in the face.
I realize that I’m not a very typical woman so make of this what you will, but some of these are the dumbest things I’ve ever seen in my life. The lists normally consist of things like: honesty, faithfulness, support, caring, and on and on and on about what all we need to start wanting in a relationship.
Listen here, ladies: if you have to continuously read a list to remind you that you need to look for these things in a relationship, then go home and kick your dad in the balls. All of these things should have been instilled into your brain from the time that you were born. There comes a point when you become an adult and you need to know that these are common grounds for even a shitty relationship.
I honestly think my parents may have done too good of a job of letting me know how I deserve to be treated, because I have become one cocky bitch as I’ve gotten older. When you constantly have your parents telling you that you is kind, you is smart, and you is important, that eventually sticks! I know my dad thinks that I’m the third or fourth (I now fall behind my two nieces and it depends on who’s pissed him off more that day, me or my mom) most awesome lady on the planet, and I hate to break it to you, that’s the only man I need to validate my awesomeness. Ol’ Ma and Pa did a pretty good job of inflating this ego for me, I don’t need anyone else to push it along. So, I’ve decided to make a realistic list of what, maybe not all women, but definitely women like me, would have in a perfect relationship scenario:
1. If I wake up at 11:00 pm to eat Cheetos, or ice cream, or a four-course meal, don’t say a word about it. Just grab a spoon and join in.
2. Watch some of my girly TV shows with me. No, Real Housewives of Any Goddamn State in America is not the most manly show at all, but if you actually watch, these people are ridiculous and hilarious. I mean Little Women of L.A. is a show about a group of little people friends. It’s gold!
3. Make me laugh. I love to laugh and it’s not that hard to make me laugh. Farts, people falling, talking shit about anyone, it’s all going to get me going. You have endless laughing resources — use them.
4. Laugh at me. Appreciate my sense of humor. Yes, I cuss too much, and I make extremely inappropriate jokes at extremely inappropriate times, but that stuff is funny. Don’t be all Judgey-Mc-FuckFace because I made a Dead Grandma joke when you know you really want to laugh at it.
5. If I put my cold feet on you in the middle of the night, just adjust and don’t bitch about it. I can’t help it they’re constantly blocks of ice and I can’t sleep with socks, damn it.
6. Love my dogs. If you don’t love my dogs, then you might as well hit the road, Jack. I don’t care if they’re annoying and jump on your balls every time you sit down, they’re awesome to me and only I am allowed to complain about them.
7. Don’t get grossed out because I have the same bodily functions as you. I mean, I’ll try not to announce it every time I have to go to the bathroom, but if I say, “Hurry up, we need to go,” it’s a code. I’m not going to cause myself discomfort just so you don’t get disgusted. Deal with it.
8. Don’t waste your time being all romantic, just learn what I like. The surprises that I like most are simple as hell. A Slim Jim and a 6-pack of craft beer? Be still my heart.
9. Just let me be myself. I’m not going to sugarcoat anything about me (as it’s plain to see from this list) so just roll with it.
And that, ladies and gents, is my perfect list. There’s no security, loyalty, or any of that other bullshit on my list because that shouldn’t have to be said. All of that stuff is the understood groundwork and the above are things that you want and can adjust. I might can stop putting my cold feet on someone, but if having to make sure they know being honest and caring is part of the deal, then I’ll just stick to being single. I like taking up the whole bed anyway.