1. You can get a good quality bra at Belk for way cheaper than Victoria’s Secret. Also, there’s nothing wrong with a good coverage bra that doesn’t make your boobs sit on your chin. The girls need to relax and be cozy once you hit 25.
2. Mustard is the nectar of the Gods. I hated it my whole entire life until they messed up and put it on my burger this year. Now I eat it on everything, all the time.
3. Watching someone have a baby is the most disgustingly awesome thing you’ll ever see. It is literally like watching an alien hatch in a sci-fi movie but even more weird. However, you don’t realize how gross it was until it’s over and you have time to reflect on what just happened. It’s amazing and you have no idea how it just happened, but you still want to throw up a little bit.
4. It’s okay to give something or someone one more chance. You probably know deep down that it’s a bad idea, but if you don’t go ahead and do it then you’ll probably always have an excuse to fall back on that you didn’t try it just one more time. Go ahead and do it and let everything blow up. Then you’ll be like, “Aw man! I knew I shouldn’t have done that!” and you’re cured.
5. Buying a house is the most complicated thing ever. “Why did you overdraw your account on August 18, 2011, Ms. Odom?” My response, “Um… probably because I left my card at the bar and they added that outrageous tip that they do when you leave your card at the bar. You know what I’m talking about? No? Um… never mind. It got stolen. Yeah that’s what happened. Stolen.” Are you really asking me if I know this? That was three years ago and I probably have done a lot worse since then, just give me a house!
6. Having a store credit card isn’t always a bad idea. “Well, yes ma’am, I would love to apply for a card and get 15% off. You mean I’m approved? AWW YISSS.” Now I get all kinds of special discounts in addition to regular discounts because of that card, and it’s the one card that I always pay off. You know, because I’m such an awesome adult now.
7. Sleeping on a couch other than your own is not cool anymore. Sometimes you’re hammered and just want to sleep wherever you drop and that was okay up until you hit 25. Now you have your own bed in your own home that has fresh sheets (or at least you know everything that is on those sheets) and is just calling your name. Plus, sometimes when you sleep on someone’s couch, you wake up with your arm in a plate of someone’s ketchup and you think you’ve cut your artery and are bleeding out. True story.
8. Beards… yum. I hated facial hair on guys up until the past year. And yeah, some of these scabs growing the nasty, patchy beards need to just give up on that dream. But, there’s nothing hotter to me than a good ol’ man beard now.
9. Garth Brooks is a God in human form. I’ve seen Garth in concert and I’ve seen George in concert. There is no question which one puts on a better show. The Garth Brooks concert was one of the top 5 nights of my life. I’ve had some awesome nights, too, so top 5 is a big deal. Plus Trisha steps out on stage in all of her gloriousness and looks right at me and says, “Kati and Tommy at the drive-in movie,” and I just know that she knows that I’m there and she’s singing it to me, about me, for me, whatever. I’ve never cried such tears of joy in my life.
10. Never eat chocolate that has any type of substance in it, even if it’s legal. I’ve heard that you’ll trip balls and think that everyone is out to get you. Don’t ask how I know. Just take my advice and go on about your life.
11. Making posters is more fun when you’re an adult because you can write dirty things. I now want to make posters for every occasion: Birthdays, going away parties, Tuesdays. It’s so much more fun when you get to outline swear words in glitter.
12. Hashtags are like meth. Once you start using them, you really can’t stop.
13. Your metabolism gets worse as you get older, but your hair gets better.
14. Your mom is easily one of the best friends you’ll ever have. I always knew my mom was really cool, but now that I’m older and have actual adult stuff to talk about, she’s even cooler than I thought. She always gets my jokes, and almost always thinks they’re funny, not just courtesy laughs. And she’s not afraid to tell me I’m being a little punk.
15. 30 IS NOT OLD. Cue some good ol’ Dena Carter here. I remember thinking that 30 was pretty close to retirement. Now I realize that I’m close to 30 and I think it’s fucking awesome. Who cares that I’m close to 30? I’ll be just as awesome then as I am now, and I’ll get to add some stuff to the list of things I’ve learned.
16. Eyebrow pencils are amazing tools and can change your whole face.
17. Forehead curtains are not a good look for everyone. Straight across bangs look great on models, they look great the day you get them, and then bam, they don’t look great anymore. At least, not on me. And it’s really awkward growing those mother fuckers back out.
18. I have too many t-shirts. I’ve moved three times in the past three years, and I still can’t get rid of my number 99 dirt-stained softball shirt with the sleeves cut out of it. I might need to wear it to channel my inner-badass one day. And I can’t get rid of my senior shirts because then how will I remember what year I graduated and when my reunions are?
19. If you go to the store and only buy tampons and wine, most people at checkout (especially older men) will let you in front of them out of fear. Seriously.
20. I’m always gonna be on the chubby side, and I’m okay with that. Even if I do decide to start working out, it’s not going to be every day, and I’m never going to enjoy it. It’ll be one of those things that I do because I have to and I’m going to hate every fucking minute of it. Even if I start eating better, I’m not going to cut out everything that I enjoy. Therefore, even if I do get on the ball and lose a little bit of weight, it’ll just be to maintain this glorious bod and I’ll still be chubby. However, I’m alright with that because I’ll still be bangin’ hot.
21. Baby showers are a lot more fun when there’s alcohol involved.
22. How to spell Connecticut. Seriously. My whole life, I’ve been spelling this wrong and I happened to make fun of a co-worker when they wrote it this way in an e-mail. Joke’s on me. Connect-icut.
23. Roommates are for the birds. If I’m not banging you on the reg or we’re not legally bound, you can’t live with me. End of story.
24. Lightning really is attracted to dogs. Never realized that when people said, “Don’t let that dog on the porch right now they’ll attract the lightning,” that they were being serious, until I came home and found my little piece all fucked up. RIP Miss Truvee.
25. Starting a blog is really fun. I get to say what I want and piss off who I want, and some people actually think I’m kind of a little bit funny.
So there ya go. 25 important things that I have learned this year. Instead of “old and wise,” I’m going to refer to myself as “late 20s and not quite the dumbest.”