1. They always make the number one such a big deal. I know I did. We were together for three years. Four counting the time it took for the loneliness that drove us into each other’s arms at 2AM swearing it would be the last time. Five counting the time it took for me to finally stop feeling the obligation and guilt to respond.
The number one is a big deal. But it is also the number that you begin learning how to count. And yes, it will be embedded in you like clock-work but you don’t stop learning at 1.
2. He or she will have it a little hard. Recognize how hard it is (or was) for the second- even if you have to reflect back on it. Apologize to them- even if they will never receive it. You’re afraid and you think you have experience in you but the matter of fact is that you don’t have a damn clue.
He was reckless and we were young. I don’t think I ever loved him but I adored his hazel brown eyes that were tinted green- I had to memorize his eyes because he tested me once while squinting them shut. I tried to love him for the way he loved me and I left because you shouldn’t have to try. I hoped that he would understand, someday. But it said more to me that I didn’t need him to.
3. I like to think that karma works in a peculiar way whereas it sort of replicates the balancing natures of Ying and Yang (of course, I’m laughing as I type this out) and the result, ultimately, seems fair when you put it in the most unbiased perspective.
Just as you’ve experienced the heartache and sorrow of losing love, of leaving love and of witnessing the power you can possess over another human being- you will meet someone who completely, utterly, frustratingly throws you off and makes you reflect on the lessons you thought you had mastered prior. And just as you were reckless with someone else’s heart, you are bound to meet somebody who will be reckless with yours. You will need this person.
He or she will be the one person who won’t let you in, nor close by any means. And despite their seemingly cold disposition and little efforts made in reciprocation, you will not struggle to care about them. Unlike the previous, you won’t have to try.
But this person will teach you how to let go without receiving anything you’ve ever wanted, regardless of how simple of a phrase or line you could have wanted. Like an apology. Or an explanation. He or she will help you grow without the intention of doing anything so essentially significant. And you will learn this on your own months after self-reflection and when you finally stop trying to understand.
4. You’ll meet someone who has it all: tangible-asset-wise. I don’t have much to comment other than the fact that he was eyed by many and probably would have been the man of somebody’s dream. Just not mine. And I think it was because I was so immediately put off by what he had that he would purposely invite me to events and call them ‘casual’ whereas I would show up in my hoodie and flats just to be asked if I wanted a cocktail by tall beautiful model-like women. I would glare at him from across the room and he’d smile. I told him I just wanted to be friends and we still are.
But I will list him anyway because I think you will meet someone who is seemingly perfect in category but you won’t love them. They will help you realize that falling in love is not based on generically attractive traits. And that you should not have a list of qualifications, either.
5. There will be someone who is quirky in the ways you are, slightly disturbed and so kind. He or she will be gentle, patient and calm. And if you aren’t of age or maturity, these attributes will drive you crazy simply because you are not of age or maturity.
You will still have expectations for love to be scripted, almost movie-like with just enough integration of madness.
You will leave because you are not ready to settle as much as you fantasize about settling down. He or she will have years of experience on you in other aspects of life where you will yet to even acknowledge. And because of this, you will find them lacking.
You will miss them when you are of age.
6. Finally, you will be driven to claim your second love. By now, you are more than well-aware of how games work, how the thought process goes and will go. You will be brutally honest, not just with him or her but, with yourself.
This will be the time you mistaken a lesson for a soul mate.
Because although you have been where you have been, you know that in your heart, you are not where you’re supposed to be (yet). This person will teach you about timing, that it isn’t all about the logistics of How To Make it Work. He or she will teach you that no matter how well you prepare yourself, how much it is you think you know, there will be endless room for growth. You will grow together but you won’t stay together.
7. You will someday meet someone who makes you understand why it didn’t work out with anyone else.