Confessions Of A Hardcore Christmas Enthusiast

Elf
Elf

When I walk into a shopping mall caked in Christmas decorum, my brain involuntary spasms like Buddy the Elf: “IT’S SANTA! HE’S HERE! AND OMG IS THAT TINSEL? I LOVE TINSEL SO MUCH NO WAY. AND LOOK THERE ARE CHRISTMAS CAROLERS HERE AND THEY’RE CAROLING THE CHRISTMAS SONG AND I CAN’T BELIEVE THERE ARE LITTLE ELVES HERE TOO OMG AND THEY HAVE LITTLE BELLS ON THEIR LITTLE SHOES WHAT IS THIS LIFE?!”

I look over at my friend, and notice her brain seems to be functioning at a normal decibel. So instead of voicing my excitement, I try to contain it and pretend I got an urgent text I can’t look away from (Facebook). My hand shakes a little, but I figure I can play it off as early onset Parkinson’s.

But then FB posts a kitty in a Santa hat and I lose my sh*t.

Why should us Christmas-lovers hide our passion during The Most Wonderful Time of the Year? (And yes, I’m listening to that song as I write this. Sue me.)

We live in a cruel, sarcastic-laden world filled with catcalling and Justin Bieber. So for me, Christmas is the one time I can say f*ck it to being a cynical unpaid intern and get my tinsel on. Because if you don’t know by now, I f*cking love tinsel.

Anyway, I’ve decided to come out from my ornament-infested closet and admit the seven truths about loving Christmas so much it hurts:

1. F*ck Pumpkin Spice. Peppermint Mocha’s where it’s at.                  

Walk up into the Starbucks like, “WADDUP…HOLY SH*T THERE’S PEPPERMINT MOCHA NOW I GET TO SMELL OF TOOTHBRUSH ALL DAY LONG.”

2. Pinterest is your whole Internet  

During the Christmas season, I turn into that girl who plans her whole f*cking wedding in a public Pinterest board while she’s still single. Spoiler: the rest of us use private boards.

Anyways, DIY holiday treats, handmade Christmas gifts, and cutesie pinecone Santas are my new life from July to December. Not that I actually make any of it, but I really, really want to.

3. You love eggnog (even the non-alcoholic kind)

By now, you’ve been to enough parties and family Christmases with eggnog. And you’ll be like, oh, I can’t be rude so I’ll drink some, while your friend is all like “eggnog’s gross.” And you laugh a nervous laugh, all the while knowing your relationship with her will never be the same because YOU F*CKING LOVE EGGNOG.

4. You listen to Christmas music

You have a specific day that you start playing Christmas music (mine is November 1st), and you don’t stop until Santa arrives.

And to make things worse, you love every second of it. You sing Joy to the World in the shower, you brush your teeth to White Christmas, and when your office plays Christmas music in December and everyone complains, you hum the tunes under your breath. Just a little.

5. You stress over Christmas gifts

Yes, I know that “everyone’s stressed” during the holidays and whatnot, but you actually care because you want everyone to have exactly what they want in the most personalized way imaginable. You don’t fake it; you go all out. Hence the mass amounts of pressure every year as you try to pull off a gift that’s better than the last.

6. Christmas lights turn you on (pun intended)

Decorating a Christmas tree brings you more warmth and joy than hugging a puppy. Unless that puppy was in a Santa costume, then it would be a close call.

And what about wreaths? And Christmas garland, and icicle lights? All these things combined are better than any vice the world could offer you.

7. Snow is fun until December 26th

You live for snow at Christmas, and if you don’t have it then you pine for it. But let’s be real; once December 26th hits you’re like, “hey snow this was really fun, see you next year!” But then it doesn’t leave for four more months and you curse the day you sang White Christmas while brushing your teeth. TC mark

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