20 Thoughts Women Have When Watching Porn Online

Photographee.eu / (Shutterstock.com)
Photographee.eu / (Shutterstock.com)

No, we don’t light candles and play NSYNC on repeat…at least not all the time, anyways.

1. OMG omg omg it’s happening!

I’m so excited I can’t believe I’m doing this. This is more exciting than that time my parents got me an iPhone for Christmas. OK, maybe not that exciting, but still…

2. Oh God, now I’m thinking about my parents while I surf PornHub.

No…no, I can’t do this anymore. I feel dirty. And not in a good way.

3. OK, now that I scrubbed my eyes out with soap, I can continue.

Damn, finding the right video is always such a struggle. How to choose with so many categories?

4. UGH, WHY ARE THERE SO MANY DAMN CATEGORIES?!

5. OK, I’ll go with my usual.

And now to find a video…hmmm. The thumbnails aren’t very helpful. I’ll just click on something and take a risk.

6. I should cover my window but I’m too lazy.

How much do I really care if my neighbor sees me getting off? Maybe a lot…but I don’t want to mooooove.

7. F*CK YOU, POP-UP ADS.

I don’t want to live chat with “Jasmine” right now, damn it. Nor do I want to hook up with “ugly chicks begging for d*ck.”

8. Why do all porn sites assume I’m a guy??

It’s BS. I don’t need a banner ad for a P*ssy Magnet. Also now I’m getting offended by the term “P*ssy Magnet.” I can’t focus on my porn with all this crazy sexism going on!

9. Ew…no no no.

I am sooooo not into this video. Nope nope nope. Ew, now I’m gagging.

10. OK, now I’m kind of into it.

Andddd not sure how I feel about the fact that I’m into this…time to change the video.

11. Ugh, my headphones are getting tangled.

The struggle is so real. Guys are so lucky they can sit straight up when they do this. I need to change positions.

12. Why are there no well-filmed, beautiful pornos for me to watch?

Just because it’s porn doesn’t mean we can slack off on the cinematography, people. Where the hell is the money going in this billion-dollar industry?

13. This is the perfect one. I found it.

Yes, I’m finally going to orgasm!!

14. Nope, not the perfect one.

They trick you, these porn magicians.

15. Ugh, but the girl is so hot in this video.

I should go to yoga tomorrow. I wonder if I can get that toned if I start running every day? Maybe I’ll set my alarm an hour earlier so I can run before work…

16. FOCUS!

Come on, you’re going to get off tonight. You canceled your evening plans for this, so it’s happening NOW.

17. THIS IS IT.

I found it. I can’t believe it. The perfect video.

18. Anddd now it’s buffering.

And buffering, and buffering.

19. Where’s my vibrator?

Found it! And now comes the indescribable fear of whether or not my roommates can hear me.

20. But after two orgasms, who gives a fuck?

TC mark

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By day, I toil away long, meaningless hours under the hum of fluorescent lights. But by night, when the moon winks down its feeble, cloud-diffused light, I put ink to stark white paper. Follow Kathryn on Twitter or read more articles from Kathryn on Thought Catalog.
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